Confusion and Wanting In Your So Called Prime

 

1. Gym

It was a Friday night when i thought 'fuck it i've gotta do sommet, change sommet'. I was lying in bed listening to the rain, sort of hating myself. I gotta have sex, at least once. This disillusion theory Id been repeating to myself that it'll happen when it happens had finally smashed along with the last crumb of my ego. It isn't just gonna happen you fat prick. You gotta go out and make sommet happen. No girl is gonna come up to you and say do you wanna fuck? You gotta make it happen, You've gotta give them a reason to want to sleep with you. You've definitely gotta loose weight. I knew i didn't have to, but it would make it a lot easier. I'd join the gym, get abs, muscles, veins sticking out of my fucking arms, all that shit. Just focus, put my mind to it. Don't be shy. Just go for it. Fuck everything else. 

I woke up the next day, cleaned my teeth for twice as long as I normally did, skipped breakfast and just had a pint of water before driving to primark. The stuffy air of the shop forced it's way down my throat, or at least that's what it felt like. I bought 2x gym tops, 2x gym shorts and a pair of £14.99 running shoes then went to the leisure Centre and joined the gym. 

I ran and ran on that fucking treadmill till my breath taste like blood and the sweat ran into my eyes like acid burning my sockets. I could feel the blisters on my feet getter bigger and bigger with every step. Why did i have to buy the cheap shoes, fucking idiot. I slowed the treadmill down to walking pace and saw i'd only lost 66 calories. Fucking 66. Not even burnt off a fucking banana. Looking around I seemed to be the only cunt breaking a sweat. The big muscle weight lifting cunts stood around talking and laughing, occasionally doing a squat or some bullshit exercise with a big dumbbell. I mean what the fuck is so funny? I bet they're laughing at me, the fat cunt sweating like a pig. Well what else am i supposed to do in a gym you buffalo, lets see how funny it is when i come in one day and shoot you point blank with a shotgun, you won't be laughing then. Fuck. I'd give anything to be a big muscle weight lifting cunt. Just need to run a bit more. Burn at least 100 calories. Fuck this I'm going home. but I'll return tomorrow.

Driving home I passed a McDonalds, the juicy patty of a quarter pounder was calling me. 'eat me, eat me, come on, one won't hurt' NO NO fuck off. Cold turkey. Just think of the naked women, the naked women, the eventual naked women who'd lie back and think of england. I'd already decided I'd think of slugs to stop me cumming so soon. But im getting carried away.

Its not like I'm a complete virgin. Well I am, but I have had sexaul experiences, well one. It happened at that weird time when you leave school and everyone sort of forgets the hierarchy that we spent 5 years making. We were all leaving school, some going to collage then uni, some working in a shop, getting pregnant and having a family others living on the street doing black tar heroin. We all knew that we'd never see each other again. So i started messaging the girls I fancied cuz why not? The anxiety of telling a girl you liked her, getting rejected and everyone finding out a school was over. I was invincible. I obviously didn't message the girls i really really fancied, i wasnt that stupid. Just the ones who i thought were around my level, or the shy ones. Most of them fobbed me off. But one didn't, Olivia. I messaged, we talked. I didn't instantly bring up sex but i brought it up. 16 is a weird age cuz everyone is different, its the legal age for consent, some people had already been having sex and doin shit but they'd just get called slags, well the girls did. But when you leave school its sort of free reign, you can have sex and not get called a slapper. But some just wanted to build to sex. Me personally i couldn't wait, Id do everything all at once for the first time. . But over the hours and hours of messages we exchanged it transpired that Olivia was in the category of she'd slowly build to it. I had to walk the rope of coming across as a nice person, I know I'm a nice person but i had to come across as one. I had to steer the conversation into sex but not make it too obvious, sometimes she'd shut it down and id think fuck, now i cant bring up anything sexual for like 4 days, now I've just text her about other shit, I mean some of it was interesting but non of it was sex, none of it was boring but it seemed it compare to sex. The truth is i couldn't truly care about anything she was saying because it wasnt sex, once thats out the way then yeah fair enough tell me about your family and your rescue dog and your future plans and yours hobbies and your day and your likes and dislikes and your hopes and dreams and your insecurities and your passions but ya know...Do you fancy me? would you suck me off? That's what i wanted to know. Mostly for my own insecurities and not feeling good enough, i wouldn't be a man till i had sex. The more we messaged the more she'd open up. Don't get me wrong i wanted her to be sexual but i also didn't want her to have already had sex, then we'd both be in the same awkward boat of not knowing what were doing. I waited the 4 days and subtlety brought up sex again, i dunno if it was subtle. But i worked up the courage and asked. The pure adrenaline of sending a risky text message asking her what she'd done sexaully was eletric. She could tell me to get lost and never speak to me again, or she could tell me. She told me she'd been fingered and rubbed a guys boner over his jeans. Solid. So i asked her if she'd want to do anything with me. Another risky text. I threw my phone onto my bed after sending that and didn't look for 3 mins, she replied 'Yes'. So I've gotta ask what'd she'd wanna do?

 'I dunno what would you wanna do?

 I could of gone for glory and said sex but id already put her in the category of wanting to build to it, and there's not a lot of places for 16 year olds to explore each others bodies, mostly parks, woods, abandoned places. We could of waited till we had a free house. but i knew the probability of that would be low and we'd have to wait and i didnt wanna wait. So i said:

'Handjob?'

She said 'yeah okay'

I could of said blowjob but i dunno, it didn't feel right. It would probably happen if she said she's give me a handjob. I mean she would be holding it, might as well stick it in your gob. 

So we agreed on a handjob. I also slipped in could i suck your tits. She said 

'That would be nice'

Nice? It would be fucking amazing.

 Just need to find a location. We both couldn't do it at our houses so i suggested a little wooded area next to a park near to where we both lived. But it wouldn't be during the day with lots of people so we agreed around sunset so we could watch it together. I couldn't give a shit about the sun.

I put on some of my dads aftershave, my best jeans and shoes and walked the 4 miles to the park. This was the first time we'd seen each other since leaving school and even in school we'd only spoken about 5 times in the 5 years we'd been there. I walked fast cuz it was freezing but i was so hyped for what was about to happen, a girl was gonna touch my dick. And wank me off. I must of had about 14 boners on that walk to the park just thinking about it. We met up in the park and she looked different. The last time i saw her she was a school girl. I'd never seen her in normal clothes, apart from the instagram pictures she posted that i masturbated to religiously since we planned to met.  

We walked round the park and woods. She was awkward at first, but so was i. I don't remember what we talked about, I just kept trying to be funny. None of us had brought up the so called agreement, and it was more or less dark now, dropping colder and colder. If this was gonna happen i had to make the move. I suggested we walk off the footpath in the woods and sat down. She kept talking about how cold it was but i had to kiss her for this to happen. For a moment non of us were talking and we looked into each others eyes, she began to laugh to hide the awkwardness. This would of been the best time to make my move but can you go in for a kiss while she's laughing? Fuck it. I Leaned in she stopped laughing, and kissed me back. We went straight into snogging, her mouth was nice and warm. We kissed and kissed and kisssed, i was waiting for her to make a sign for me to pull down my jeans but she never did, didnt even touch me. Fuck, its gotta happen, i took her hand and put it on my crotch just to see if thats what she still wanted to do. She didn't pull away so i thought sound, get it out. I didn't know what i expected what it would be like the first time a girl sees my erect penis. Laugh? Moan? She didn't say anything, her face had the slightest expression of embarrassment but i think that was just because i was looking at her. She grabbed my dick and began to tug. JESUS. Her hand was cold. I wanted to see her tits but she said it was too cold, fucking british weather. But fair play to her it was cold., but i still got my dick out. There could of been 17 inches of snow and id still of got it out. It wasn't much of an experience, she wasn't the best at giving handjobs, at one point i just took over and finished myself off. It wasn't until I was lying on the floor, covered in mud, brambles and cum that i realised my first sexaul experience was a girl tried to wank me off but wasn't good enough, so i just took over and just masterbated infront of this poor girl for 5 mineutes, it must of felt like hours for her, it felt longer for me. I didn't even look at her just focused. She just saw my cold breaths get bigger and bigger until i finished. I think a bit of the cum went on her coat, i did that on purpose. Looking back no wonder she stop replying to me after that. Walking home after that was incredible, my shoes covered in mud but i felt unstoppable, this was the begining of being sexaully active. But it wasn't. 5 years later and nothing had happened since. I wonder if Olivia ever thinks about it? Probably not. It feels like something she'd never tell anyone. 

It seemed since leaving school everyone wanted and needed to have some sexual experience, everyone else did, you had to join in. It didn't matter if you really liked the person or not, just get it out of the way, you could get a boyfriend or girlfriend you actually liked later, but now you needed experience, get it over and done with, the awkward thumbelling should be done with someone you could take or leave. Then when you meet someone you actually like, you'll have a basic understanding of what to do. At least that's how it felt at the time. But what id give to wank in front of a girl in the woods in the freezing cold again, you'll never know. 

2. Spanner

Leaving the gym, my hair wet and my back wetter I had the urge to see my good friend Spanner. A mysterious character, a force of nature, a complex rambunctious individual, my only friend. I wasn't his. He knew everyone and everyone knew him. If I was pushed to say I don't think he would class me as a friend, just someone from school he'd see every now and again. I think we saw each other once a month on average. But he had the easily-living, no fucks given attitude I need. Maybe if I hung around with him more some of that would rub on me. No chance my anxiety, scared of people shit would rub on him.

I picked him up and we arranged to go to the driving range. Well he suggested, I didn't really wanna go but I thought no, you've gotta embrace shit. like Spanner. I drove as fast as I could, just to show him i wasn't a complete pussy, which I assumed he kind of thought I was. Spanner spoke no stop apart from the brief moments he'd toke on his fag. 

'She was goin come on and I'm like i dunno you know and she's like come on do it. She really wanted to shag on acid, like bad. I mean she wouldn't shut up about it, just went on and on. So i took it just to shut her up. And then she went you've waited too long im not in the mood anymore. And im like bitch, you've moaned and moaned and moaned for me to take the acid so we can fuck. Ive taken it and now your not in the mood? Fuck off. So i said right then fair enough. message this other lass, asked if she's down to fuck. She is, she always is. Then the first girls like now I've changed my mind. so i tell her. Youve made your bed, you've said your not in the mood, now your fucking with me. But shes just begging for it, so i says right im not gonna fuck you, but ill let you suck me off. She does i leave, see that other girl and shag her. Fuckin sick day. That acid was strong as well... So what you been up to?'

What had I been up to? In the 2 months since id last seen Spanner i hadn't done anything of note. Nothing compared to his acid story. It feels like more shit happens to him in a day than for me in a year. 

'I've just been going to the gym' I said 

Id hoped he'd noticed that id lost some weight, but he didn't never did. He just puffed on his cigarette.

'So you still a virgin?' He said as he tossed his fag out of the window of the car and lit another one. 

The bastard loved bringing up that I was a virgin, he couldn't help himself. It probably made him feel tough or some shit. I could feel him smiling waiting for me to answer. Of course I was and he knew it. He knew i needed a fucking personality and body transplant to get laid, that or a miracle. He asked every time and he loved the answer of no. The cunt. I normally say no and try and change the subject but not this time. 

'Why do you always ask me that?' I said 'Look at you fucking smiling, you know the answer. Shit man.     why you gotta bring up my insecurities n shit, embarrassing me'

My little out of character outburst didn't seem to faze Spanner. I bet I could of drove us into a tree at 145 miles an hour singing its raining men and he would just toke on his fag.

He sat and thought for a moment, like he was trying to figure out how he would explain this complex idea to me. 

'You know, you should be fucking embarrassed. It should keep you awake at night that you haven't been laid yet. The slightest thought of anything sexual should drive you up the wall. I know you probably shake your fist at the world saying why me? Why am I like this, why wont it happen. Blame this, blame that, blame the weight. But the only person to blame is yourself. You gotta get out their, you gotta get in the mindset that your the best, the world revolves around you, nothing matters but you.'

'That's an interesting theory' I say 

'Its no theory, nothing matters. Watch' He pulled down the passenger window and stuck his head out. A group of girls were stood talking. He shouted. 

'Ladies, You look like monster munch....... FUCKING BEAUTIFUL...KEEP IT UP' 

 The man was crazy. I spilled over in jealousy. Why couldn't I be crazy.  

We pulled up at the driving range and rented our balls and clubs. We took turns hitting the balls. Spanner went first, I watched. He had a fag in his mouth and hit the balls as hard as he could. 

'The thing about women' He said 'Is that there completely the opposite to men but also the exact same. It's a fascinating thing. If you wanna get with a girl you've just gotta go for it you know? Don't take no for an answer, not in a rapey way but...kind of in a rapey way. I don't mean like punch her in the face and tell her to not move or you'll cut her eyes out. It's in the body language. They want you to want them so much that you've just gotta have them. That pure primal urge. Most girls just want a guy to tell her she looks beautiful, crack a few jokes, and be like I need you now. You know, just that pure fucking connection. Thongs on the floor. That's what most of them want, even subconsciously.' He swings the club and hits the ball. Inhales.  

'Its all about the chase you know. Half of the shag is the work you've put in. That's why I'm not a fan of prostitutes, I don't mind paying like. But there's no chase you know.  I haven't had to work, manipulate her. Its just...sex . Which is fucking boring.' Swing. 'Its all about manipulate . We do it everyday.' 

Deep down I knew most of what Spanner was saying was pure noise to pass the time. The master spreading his wisdom. And I knew human psychology was much more complicated than this. But the man had results. Trusting my education and upbringing on the basses that if I was a nice person and respected women, said please and thank you, be different but not too different, ate with my mouth shut would eventually lead me to a nice women. But this had gotten me nowhere.  

Spanner handed me the club. He sounds like he knows what he's talking about. 'But what do you actually do? Like specially. Where do you meet women?'

He lets out a cloud of smoke 'Anywhere, see a girl you like and talk to her. She rejects you? She rejects you. Move on.  

 'I couldn't do that'

'Why not?'

'Cuz that's just not me' I say 

'Easiest place is the club. You just see a girl, look at her, then you kiss, piece of piss' 

'I doubt that' 

'Well don't fucking doubt me. Are you gonna swing or what?' 

I put the golf ball on the little tee and lined up my club. I'd never done this before, but how hard could it be. The answer is hard. I swing the club and completely miss. I try again and miss again. 

'How you supposed to do this?'

Spanner shrugged 'You just hit it, figure it out. It'll be more rewarding than me telling you' 

A fine philosophy in principal. Fuck, all I hear is balls flying past me on both side. Other golfers smacking the shit out of their balls and watching them going miles, celebrating and boading each other. Sipping cans of larger and laughing. Some of them swing with no effort but the perfect accuracy and the balls disappear like a bullet.  And I cant hit the ball once. I try again but miss. I notice a group of men in their 30's at the section next to us are now not smacking but are instead watching me and laughing, showing their black smokers teeth and ear rings like the bitches they are. I try and hit the ball again, less power and more just hit the ball. But i miss. The ball was moving, the earth was moving. Doing anything to stop me hitting this fucking ball. The group next to us laugh harder. The only way to stop them laughing was to actually hit the ball. But I knew even if I did hit the ball it wouldn't go far and they'd give a sarcastic cheer. I was stuck. I was made the fool again. I could try and engage with these men, laugh with them, start the conversation. say something with a smile like 'I'm terrible i know' But these men, these wild animals hadn't said anything to me, no encouraging words, just laughing, they weren't friendly. No respect. Everyone's gotta start somewhere. 

I had to focus. Breath. That seemed to work in the films. Line up the club with the ball. Bring it up. And swing. I miss. The men laugh louder. This was war. I don't look at them, they make me feel sick, they had striped away my masculinity by just laughing. Who were the pathetic ones? Me or them? I turn to Spanner. He smokes and looks cool doing it, he gives me a nod

 'Your alright, you'll get it eventually' 

Fuck you Spanner for not saying anything to these hyenas. It makes sense tho, this was my fight. Spanner loved a fight, but only when he felt it was necessary. Once you tipped the line to an absolute dickhead who needed a shit kicking he'd go and wouldn't stop till he bleed would badly stain his clothes. But these men laughing obviously didn't meet his criteria. I didn't want any fuss anyway, let them laugh. 

I put another ball on the tee. I can see them in the corner on my eye, starring in anticipation. I swing and finally hit the bugger, it flies. Obviously not very far cuz I hear them cheer and laugh. I felt raped. Fuck these cunts. I wanna confuse them.

'Why you laughing?' I say straight faced, trying to look confused as possible. 

The games begin. 

Naturally the alpha of the group speaks first. 

'You having abit of trouble their?' The tattooed chav says, laughing with his backup singers joining in. 

The prick. 

'Evidently so' I say swinging around the club 

'You what?' 

I speak as neutrally as possible. 'You've just seen me swing and miss the ball 10 times, so it would appear I'm having a bit of trouble. It's my first time here, I'm gonna be a shit. My trouble is you lot somewhat goading me for a reaction'. 

He just smiles, I haven't broken him, yet.

'Fuckin el mate, all you've gotta do is hit the ball' 

His smile rips into my soul.

'I just need more practice' I say. ''So shut the fuck up!''

Spanner steps in before they can respond and says

''If I hear any of you laugh again I'm gonna smash your head in so much your mum won't recognize you.''

His posture changes, all of theirs do. They were shock. The chav pack of wolfs all shout and hallow. 

'The fuck did you say?' 

'I'll kill you' Spanner says, his face cold.

I laugh in their faces. 

''Come on Spanner' I say' I don't thinking golfing's for me'.

The angry men chased us shaking their fists at us but we were too quick. We got in my car, and I sped off.

Spanner lit another fag, still chuckling. "Nice one, you mad bastard. Thought you were gonna bottle it." I laughed too, but it came out forced. My hands were slick on the wheel. I'd finally stood up—said the words, made them flinch. So why did it feel like I'd just proved I was still the joke? Spanner glanced over. "You alright?" "Yeah. Just... never done that before." He shrugged. "First time for everything. Fancy a proper night out soon? Club, birds, sticky fingers. Time you stopped being a pussy." I nodded, stomach twisting. ''Fuuuuuck, maybe''

3. Club

I was doing pushups in my room watching coronation street when spanner called me. 

'Hey up Spanner'' I said 

'You sexy man' he says 'You coming out with me tonight or what?'

'Where you going?'

''Where am i going? he replies ''where am i going? Going out mate. Fucking clubbing. We're getting on the pull, getting fucked up. I'm gonna fucking die. Shag some tarts, break hearts, drugs. If its illegal and immoral, We're fucking doing it''

This was out the blue. I've never been to a club before. Spanner had never asked me to go out with him. im guessing he'd assume id say no. He had asked me a few times over the last few years and I'd always turned it down. But now? I feel like whatever happens i'd hate the night, it would be a traumar id remember for years, the shit i'd think about just before i fell to sleep. Nothing could realistically happen that would be anywhere near as good as staying at home and watching Gail Platt get tormented by her son David on classic Corrie episodes. But I feel like this is something I should do, need to shake things up. In other words just straight up change, become someone new. Fuck it. I can go out once, just to see what its like. I mean i know it'll be shit, but i've gotta actually experience it first. 

''Yeah okay'' I say

''Fucking nice one!'' He shouts ''But you've gotta promise me your not gonna be a boring bastard alright''

''Yeah mate, I'll just get pissed and it'll be fine'' 

''Exactly'' Laughed Spanner ''Exactly that, it works with everything. Got no milk -  get pissed it'll be fine. Lost your job - get pissed it'll be fine. Got no hoes - get pissed it'll be fine - Gran died - get pissed it'll be fine.''

We arranged to meet at a local pub, The Swan, at 9pm. Spanner told me his friend 'Ched' would be joining us. I walked in the pub and ordered a pint of inches and found Spanner and Ched playing pool. I'd never met Ched before so we exchanged nods. A subtle act of body language to express - Yes hello nice to meet you, I respect you, you respect me but lets not over do it. 

I ask him why he's called Ched and he said

 ''Just cuz i love cheese''

Spanner shot the pool que but missed the pocket ''He fucking loves it'' He said ''He'll have it on everything. Curry, Sunday dinner, didnt you put cheese in a fucking cup of tea''

''Nah'' Laughed Ched ''It was Coffee'' He said chalking up his que.

''Thats fucking grim mate'' Spanner gnarled.

''That is a bit rank mate'' I say ''Cheese is nice don't get me wrong, but coffee? Fuck me.''

''Well it was rank'' Said Ched lining up his shot ''But I love cheese and I love coffee so i thought might as well put them together, who knows could be amazing. I could of had it and been like omg this is amazing and then i could of enjoyed it for the rest of my life, but it was nasty, but now i know ya know'' 

He hit the que ball, pocketing his yellow ball.

 ''Fuck offffff'' He said 'Im having you Spanner'' Before going over to a table which had stacks and stacks of jager bombs on it, all stacked up on top of each other and downed one of the shots.

''Jesus Christ how many jager bombs you got'' I said

''30'' Replied Spanner ''We're doing take a shot everytime you pot one of your balls''

These guys are fucking mental.

''15 jager bombs each?'' I say ''Your both gonna die''

''Narr'' Spanner said ''Were all having ten. Me, you and Chez. Oh that reminds me, you owe me 26 quid''

Spanner beat Chez by 2 balls and I played the winner. We were all fucked by the end. Im terrible at pool at the best of times but even worse when i can't see the balls. I cant remember If i won or Spanner did. Im not sure if we even finished the game or not. I only managed to drink 8 of the jager bombs. Which made them chant PUSSY PUSSY. Even when i tried to drunkley explain that id not had much to eat today and i had the pint of cider when i first came in and i never drink they still chanted PUSSY PUSSY. 

We ending up in a taxi going into the town centre. The uber driver didn't say a word the whole time. Spanner was in the front talking non stop about which ethnicities were better in bed. 

''Thing is... black gal are shit at wanking and giving head, fucking terrible...but they can ride dick like no tomorrow. But the thing is with Chinese, now they are amazing at wanking but shit at riding dick'' 

''Do you think its cuz the chinese are used to using chopsticks that there so good at wanking'' Said Ched

''What the fuck you on about?'' Said Spanner bopping his head to Madonna which he was playing out loud on his phone ''How is being good at using chopsticks have any correlation to being good at wanking someone off? He said while gesturing uses chopsticks then wanking someone off. ''Not even nearly the same, what do you think mate'' Turning and asking the uber driver, who was in fact Chinese. He shrugged and carried on driving. 

Spanner turned to me and Chez ''Right lads, game plan, Are we pulling or are we pulling?'' 

''I tell you what'' Chez says ''I gonna give it a go''

''Nice one, and what about you? Not gonna be a pussy are you?''

''Yeah i'll try'' i said '' But dont be going off and leaving me straight away''

''Im not gonna just leave you'' said Spanner ''I'll try and stay with you''

I was feeling good though. Im drunk. If i was ever gonna pull a girl, right now are the exact right conditions for me to do that. Ched seemed pretty confident and he was fatter than me. If he could do it so could I. 

We stumbled out of the taxi and fumbled into a grotty nightclub. Drum and bass music poundered. It was busy, people pushing past each other. Women's cleavage everywhere. Short skirts, smoke machines, and attempts at dancing.

Before i'd even taken it all in i turned around and found Spanner and Ched talking to a group of girls, they were all laughing. I walked over and Spanner put his arm around me and said ''girls this is my good friend'' The girls passed nods to me and i smiled at them

Spanner was talking to the fittest girl, they spoke in each others ears to hear one another and Ched was doing the same thing to the 2nd prettiest girl. There was one girl left. She was nice. By far the least attractive but still beautiful, wearing a crop top and glasses. What do i say to her? Hey? How are you? How old are you? What's your name? Yeah that sounds about right. 

We make eye contact, i walk forward to her and talk in her ear.

''What's your name?''

'Melly' She said 

'Melly' - What a weird name 

''No, Nelly'

''Nelly?'' I reply 

'Ellie' she shouts in my ear 'With an E'

'Oh Ellie' 

She nods

Now what? Compliment her name?

''Beautiful name'' I say

''Thank you. Its better Nelly anyways'' She laughs 

''Yeah sorry Cant hear cuz of the music''

''Well it is a club'' she replied sarcastically 

Now what do I say? Do i call her beautiful? I've already called her name beautiful would that just be over doing it? But I should indicate i am interested romantically, or sexually. Surely she already knows this. I've started talking to her in a club, its gotta be clear i wanna have sex. Maybe she thinks im gay? I don't think i look gay but i dunno. I just need to compliment her.

''You're gorgeous by the way'' I say 

''Thank you'' she said ''Im just gonna get a drink, nice to meet you'' Then she turned and walked into a sea of people in the dark, gone forever. 

What the fuck was that? I shouldn't of said 'by the way' that just made it seem like i had nothing else to say.   

I look around and see Spanner and Ched have gone but i see them over on the dance floor dancing with the 2 girls they were talking to. 

I sutley move over towards them, moving to the music.

 Fuck that girl, she was a mong anyways, there's plenty of other girls here. 

I move up to Ched and Spanner but they pay no attention to me, they have their hands around their girls waists, moving them side to side with the music. Just then I love it by Charlie XCX comes pounding through the club speakers. A song i know. 

I walk through the crowded nightclub dance floor singing all the words with great enthusiasm trying to catch the eye of any girl. I walk past but their either dancing with someone else or just avoid my eye contact. It wasn’t hostile. It was worse than that. It was automatic. Like a homeless man begging for change, if we ignore him hopefully he'll go away. 

I do a few laps singing the words but nobody looks at me. I go over to Ched who is now ferociously snogging the girl he was with. Just eating eachothers face off. A vile demonstration of public affection. A hot sexy mess. 

I walked laps of the club but couldn't find Spanner anywhere. Just attractive people talking, laughing but mostly kissing. Stood upon, in the toilets, on the little leather sofas. Everywhere. I wonderered through the dance floor before I realised I looked like I was searching for someone who didn’t exist.

I threw up in the toilets but felt fine after. I could hear 2 people shagging in the stall to my left and a  group doing cocaine to my right. 

When I left the toilets I saw Spanner. He was with a girl, a different one from before. His hand low on her back like he owned her. 

''Are you about ready to get going? Cuz Ched has gone back with that lass already, and she's coming back to mine '' Pointing to the girl next to him. 

''Yeah whatever'' I said 

We all shared a taxi. I sat in the front with the uber driving while Spanner and his lady friend sat in the back, they exchanged about 13 words before they kissed non stop the whole way home. I wanted to turn around and watch for a little bit i have to admit but i know Spanner would kill me, i know it would be abit weird. This is another one of Spanners tricks of the trade. He told me while we were playing pool 

''When you've pulled a bird, best thing to do is just kissed the whole time on in the taxi. 1. Cuz you've got more chance of messing it up by talking, you could say the wrong thing, piss her off and then no shag, but kissing you've not gotta talk to her. And 2. Your saving time while doing foreplay on the journey, if your kissing the whole time by the time you get to yours there ars wet as fish, good to go, no messing about, straight in.''

I count down the 22 mins on the drivers sat nav till he drops them off. Its a long and painful time. A bold reflection of my unattractiveness. I will remember every 22 minuets of the journey forever. The driver eventually drops them off and then he drives the extra 5 mins to drop me at home. We sit in silence. He knows. He knows ive failed, i swear i saw him smiling to himself, probably laughing at me. Right now Spanner is knees deep and im nothing. The night cost me £63 and all i feel is sadness and loathing. 

My confidence was shook. I managed to speak to one girl, and i couldn't really hear her cuz of the booming fucking music thumping in my ears. How are you supposed to speak to someone with that going off. If nightclubs are where you go to pull women the only thing you've got is your looks. You cant show off any decent conversational skills, cant get to know someone, cant express yourself. Its just do they fancy you? No? Then fuck off then die alone. I should of stayed in and watched coronation street.

4. Apps

Fuck this. Im going on the dating apps. This has gotta be easiest way to get laid. 

I download all the apps i know, TInder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, Ok Cupid. 

I spent 3 hours creating my profile. Taking pictures of myself, different lighting, changing the angles, filters, expressions...and they all look like shit. 

'Now write something about yourself'

What can I write? I've got no hobbies, no interest. Nothing of interest. I tried learning to play the guitar a few years back but the thing just sits in the corner of my room gathering dust, it takes after its owner.

I write how I like to read and play guitar. A bare face lie. But needs and must. If im gonna loose the old V card im gonna have to lie. Lie through my teeth. Now the apps ask what im looking for. A long term relationship, short term relationship, short flings, hook ups. Im not daft and im not putting down short flings. The best chance, the only chance i've got is to put down i want a long term relationship. The last thing i wanna do is lead some poor girl on and break her heart, but the reality is she'll probably sleep with me and sack it off herself anyways. I wouldn't just say i want a relationship, fuck her, then dump her, no. I'd be all charming, nice as pie, fuck her then not exactly change but act abit of a dickhead, show her im not the person she thought i was. Then she dumps me, this way she never feels like shes been used and i don't have to dump her. 

Once i get laid and all this pressure is off me. then I might try a girlfriend, a long term relationship, someone to share a life with. But till then its pure manipulation im afraid. I don't wanna do it, but its the only way. Im in my 20's anyways,  this is exactly what i should be doing, making mistakes. This gives me something to look back on when im older. Yeah when im in my 40's i can think back and say.

'Yeah i did do some things i regret, im not proud of the things i've done and the way i treated people but it make me the man i am today'

When im older i can respect woman, i'll have 60 odd years of being a nice and respectful person. But now its everyman for himself. Every other guy i know does the same thing, why shouldn't i get some? Why should i miss out because im a nice person? Well fuck that.

 Now is the only time in history you can sleep around without getting judged. For all of time you were shamed for sleeping with anyone but your spouse. But since the world has progressed, contraception has been invented, society has done a u-turn and im getting shamed for not getting anyone to sleep with me. Well the games on now, im locking in.

Once I'd finished all my profiles on the dating apps the games begin, i swipe and swipe. I like all the girl. Well mostly, i bin off the fatties but most of them i swipe to say i like. The apps only give you around 10 likes a day so i use them all and wait to see who responds. I don't look at what there interests are, how far away they live, if they have kids or if they smoke. If their fit, which most of them are, im liking. She could be a hardcore neo-nazi with a big swastika tattoo on her back and i honestly wouldn't give a shit, im not jewish, once we fuck im gone, never seeing me again. 

I wait and wait and wait but nobody likes me back, not one. Not even Joy, a girl i saw who was fatter and uglier than me, I liked her and she didn't like me back? The bitch. 

Now I just need to wait another 24 hours until i can like more girls. You can pay for more likes but im not that desperate, not yet anyways. 

I felt like i needed to clear my head from all this so i went to the gym. 20 minuets' on the treadmill, 10 on the stairmaster, 15 on the cross trainer and 10 lifting weights. Id never lifted weights before but how hard could it be? If these big armed dummies could do i so could I. I picked up one of the lighested dumbbells, but not THE lightsted and went to work, I just did my biceps cuz no where else really matters and just copied what everyone else was doing. I could feel the blood pumping into my arms as my muscles pulsated and sweat dripped from my back. It felt good. 

As i was driving back home my arms ached, it felt like i was tearing my inner muscles every time i tried straightening my arms. They would have to be permanently bent to relieve myself from excruciating pain, this made changing gears very hard as i had to bend my whole body down to the side to reach the gear stick. 

When i got home my mum was just dishing up tea. Spag bol. I could smell it as soon as i got in the door. She had made it the exact same way using the exact same ingredients from the same exact shop for as long as i could remember. It always tasting the exact same. No change. A sad reminder of my life. When I move out im gonna make spag bol the exact way i wanna make it.

'That was good timing, im just dishing up' My Mum said draining the pasta 'Have you been to the gym?'

'Yeah but i think i've overdone it on my arms i cant bend them' I said with my arms folded.

'You'll be walking around like a T-Rex' my Dad laughed 

'How long has it been since you started the gym' My mum asked as we sat down at the table to eat.

'About a month'

'It doesn't look like you've lost any weight to me' Mum said cutting her food.

'No he doesnt does he' My dad added looking at me 'Looks like he's put weight on' he laughed 'Bet he's been going to McDonald drive through on his way back from the gym'

'Well i wouldn't be surprised' said mum lifting her eyebrows. 

 'I actually haven't had a takeaway since i started the gym' 

'Well that's good' my mum said 'You need to keep at it, you need to get out more as well, it's not healthy you lying in bed all day then just sitting and watching tv all night, a young lad like you needs to get out more '

'I was never in when i was your age, my mam never saw me. I'd be at the football then i'd go out drinking most nights, or atleast the weekend, you'd always be out at the weekends'

'Oh yeah' Mum repiled 'Everyone used to go out, everybody i knew went out, But i guess people don't go out as much as they used to, too expensive for one thing'

'Folk still go out though' Said my father 'Your brother still goes out. Like your mum says its not healthy stopping in all the time, you'll turn into some sort of flipping recluse' 

'Well he's getting on the right track' My mum said sipping her drinking 'You've started going to the gym, and you went out the other day with your friend' 

'I know i couldn't believe it' Dad said with his mouthful 'I nearly fainted when your mum told me. Where did you go, the pub?'

'Yeah, then we went to a club in town'

'Look at you clubbing' my mum smiled 'But were you careful? Its not the same as when me and your Dad were going out drinking, it was a lot safer then. Im not saying it wasn't safe when we went out, you still had abit of trouble every now and again but now. Well you see it on the news people getting stabbed and spiked all the time' 

'Who'd want to spike him?' my Dad laughed 'Ohhh he's a big lad, he can look after himself, cant ya?'

'Its not a case of how big and tough you are, if someone brings out a knife, doesn't matter how big you are, you can still die.'

'Well you'll be careful won't you lad' My dad said nodding at me 

I nodded back. 

'So did you enjoy it when you went out?' Dad asked.

'It was okay' I replied 'It was busy. Well i think it was busy. First time at a club, but i met one of Spanners mates and he was sound.' 

'There you go' Mum said 'When you go out you meet people. You need some more friends, like i say its not healthy not going out. You've only got that mate from school Spanner. The more you go out the more people you'll met...Might even meet a nice girl'

'I did plenty of that' Dad said 'I used to go out and drink about 13 pints, taxi there and back and have a kebab and still have change from 20 quid'

'Oh yeah' mum said 'I didn't have any many as 13 pints but i could still drink, snakebite is what i used to drink'

I finished my tea, washed the pots and left my parents down stairs reminiscing about their youths. I checked my phone to find I had a notification. I had a match. Some girl had liked me. I checked her profile it was Joy, her picture showed her stood outside the smiler at alton towers, her hair being blowed by the wind, she wore a pair of black glasses and a long green summer dress, smiling at the camera. I didn't really fancy her, i dunno if i did or not, she had something about her tho. Her profile said she likes dogs and cooking, and loves to spend her weekends snuggled up with a coffee watching a good film. Some boring shit. But, to put it bluntly, she would do. 

I see she had sent me a message 

'Hey' was the only word. Now i need to think, but quick. I need to get a conversation going, a nice steady conversation, nothing too personal or heavy for now.

'Hey, I like coffee and films as well, what films do you like?'

I think that was fine, shows im interested in her interests. I hate coffee but i do like films so its only half a lie. 

Before i knew it she had replied. 

'I love anything chick-flick. 27 dresses is my favourite film'

Fucking typal. A women who likes chick-flicks, what a totally predictable stereotype. Of course she isn't going to share the same love of horror and action films as me.

'Have you seen that new chick-flick with Margot Robbie yet? It's supposed to be really good'

'No i haven't seen it yet but i really want to' she texts back.

This does seem like a perfect opportunity to ask her on a date to go see it. The cinema is quite a predictable location for a date so it seems right. That way i dont really have to talk to her that much, most of the time we'd be in the dark in silence watching a film. But am i jumping in too soon? Asking her to go out with only having exchanged 5 text messages? With one being a singular word? It could be too soon, but i dont wanna hang about, this is the first girl I've messaged, i've gotta figure it out through trial and error. The fact is this girl probably isn't gonna be the one i loose my virginity to. This is a dating app for fucks sake! Fuck it. Im asking her.

'I wanna see it as well. Why don't i take you to go see it?'

Now all i do is wait, I predict she'll say yes but also no like 'yeah sounds good but im really busy' 

She could just say no or just not reply to the message. Asking her to meet on the 6th message does seem too forward now i think about it. 

She's replied.

'Yeah that would be great, when are you free?'

I have to admit i did smile to myself. She's not only said yes but also that it would be 'great' and she's asking me when im free. I tell her.

'Im free any day this weekend'

'Sounds good' she replies 'Im working friday and Saturday but im free sunday if that's okay with you?

'Sunday would be perfect' I should say we should go out for something to eat after. But how do i word this? Do I ask her? 'Shall we get something to eat after?', or just say 'we could go out after and get something to eat?' or just say 'and we'll go out and have something it eat' I wanna come across as masculine and like i know what im doing, asure her im a normal person. I land on 

'Sunday would be perfect, we could go out after and get something to eat?

'I would like that x' she replies

Now she's sending me a 'x'. Im in, this is it. Im going out on a date. I downloaded the app today and i've got a date with the first girl who liked me back. All i've gotta do is be a good date. Who knows it could go well and she'll fuck me in the car. 

5. Joy

Sunday came fast. Me and Joy had text each other everyday. It turns out she works in the kitchen of a bingo hall, has 1 sister but most importantly has her own place. She lives in a houseshare with 6 other people in the town centre, perfect. A perfect place to have sex. She said she hates it and wants to move somewhere better. But a beds a bed. I don't know if she'll invite me over. But i need to get this first date over and done with. 

We'd arrange that i'd pick her up and we go to the cinema and get something to eat after. I showered, wasn't sure weather to put gel or curling cream in my hair so i put in a bit of both and tried to choose an outfit, I wanted to show a bit of class, some sort of shirt,but it was only the pictures. I landed on a short sleeve shirt and pair of jeans and a pair of vans. 

I drove to her house, it was 27 miles away, the sat nav said it would take me 43 minuets. I didn't mind. I had to think, gather my thoughts and prepare. I just need to be nice and funny, act the way she does. Personality mirroring. Nice and funny. Don't let the conversation dry up. Have pre-planned questions, 'what music do you like?' 'Have you got any pets?' 'Do you drive?' ''What's your body count? ''Will you fuck me?'' ''Will you let me fuck you?''

I arrived at her house and messaged to tell her i was outside. One last mirror check to make sure part of my hair hadn't spiked up and one more spray on the aftershave. I watch her as she walks out her door and waddles down to my car. She didn't look as good in person, no way near. But would i still fuck her? Yeah, and that's all that mattered. 

She opened the car door and got in. 

'Hi, are you alright''? I asked

''Yeah'' She said quietly ''Im freezing though, didn't think it would be so cold''

''I'll put the heating on'' I said turning a nob and hot air blasted out. 

I drove off and joined traffic. 

''So how do you like working in the kitchen at the bingo?'' I ask 

''Its fucking shit'' she says.

What a lady. 

''I hate it'' she adds ''Nobody knows what there doing and everyone always calls in sick so i always have to go in. Im looking for another job now but i cant find anything''

''What sort of thing do you wanna do?'' I ask.

 'Literally anything'' she replies ''I'm not arsed, just whatever pays well and is easy''

A women of great ambition. 

I drive to the cinema and just about keep the conversation afloat, she talked about her sister and margot robbie films. She did however pull out her phone at one point and started doing something, i could think she's messaging her friends saying

 'this guy is an absolute div, oh my god i just wanna leave, how do i leave'' and all her friends replying say 

''Hahaha Joy. how do you get in such terrible situations, classic joy''

I shook this thought from my mind, she looked happy, she laughed at my observation that road workers just stand around doing nothing when we past some at some traffic lights. I pegged that she went on her phone to modern day anxiety.

I parked up at the cinema but we still had some time before the film started. 

''They always play 20 minutes of adverts before it comes on anyways'' She said turning towards me.

''Yeah'' I say. 

Now what do I say?......

We sit in silence for a moment. God knows what she's thinking. Probably the same as me, why aren't i asking anything? Or at least say something. 

''So you been on many dates?'' I ask finally 

''Errr'' She laughs awkwardly ''A few yeah. What about you?''

''No your my first'' I reply 

''Wow'' she says ''I feel honoured''

''You feel honoured?'' I laugh 

''Yeah, im your first first date, have you never had a girlfriend then?''

''No'' I say smiling ''I'm just very picky'' 

''Are you now?'' She laughs ''Well we'll have to see if i live up to your high expectations'' 

''Well your doing alright so far'' I say 'just keep up the good work......So you ever had a boyfriend then?''

''Yeah'' she nods, like the answer is obvious ''I've had a few, my last one was, he was a dickhead. He basically just used me''

''Well i'd never do that'' i say

''Yeah that's what they'' she said looking straight at me, it felt like she was starring into my sole, like she knew i was lying. She quickly shook herself out of it laughing 'But you seem nice...right are we going in now? Are we getting popcorn or no?''

We went into the cinema and got a popcorn and 2 bottles of coke. I was going to get one big cup of pepsi from draft but i thought it was too soon to be sharing straws. 

When I told the man at the counter what films we were seeing he said ''Sorry but its fully booked up, you can wait another hour for it at 3 or watch something else'' 

I turned to Joy to see what she wanted to do.

''I dont mind'' she said

''Shall we watch another film or wait an hour?'' I ask her 

''I don't really mind'' 

Fucking great you useless piece of shit. Why have i got to make the decisions? We came here to watch this specific film. She fucking knows exactly what she'd rather do but just doesn't want to tell me. Its a fucking test, well i didn't wanna see that chick-flick-shit anyways.

''We'll get 2 tickets for 'cold storage''' The first film I see.

The man behind the counter smiled ''Great, and where do you want to sit?'' Turning the computer around to show the available seats. 

I look at Joy.

''Errrrr'' She says ''I don't mind''   

We eventually chose a pair of seats, and by 'we' i mean me and went to watch the film. It was alright, a b movie, i don't think it was supposed an amazing film, it was a perfect date movie i think. I gave it 3/5 stars. 

When the film finished we walked back to the car and shared a small conversation of ''It was okay'' and ''some of it was funny but it was alright, not great''

''Where shall we go for something to eat?'' I ask

''I'm not that hungry'' she replies, 

Not hungry? You knew we were going out for something to eat, did you not plan what you were eating?

''Mcdonalds is just over there, we could go there?'' My date said pointing over in the distance to the illuminating golden arches at the other end off the retail park. 

 Yeah sound.

We went to maccies and ordered on a self service touch screen. I had a Large Big tasty meal with a orange tropicarna. I asked Joy what she wanted.

''Just 6 nuggets if that's alright''

''Do you not want it at a meal or anything?'' I asked 

''No im not very hungry''

I shrugged and paid for our food. I noticed it was me who paid for it, as well the cinema tickets and the popcorn and cokes. She didn't even offer, didn't even say 'can i give you some money?' Nothing. I thought we were supposed to be fucking equal, that's what you kicked off about, smashing shop windows for the vote, What a fucking joking. I Don't see why we should get paid the same when the man has to pay for everything. 

We collected our food and sat at a table. I felt a bit weird that i was chowing down on a big burger with sauce dripping out of it and she was their with her 9 nuggets, carefully dipping them in a packet of bbq sauce. 

''So how old were you when you moved out'' I asked

''Well I didn't really move out'' she said looking down ''My mum kicked me out''

''She kicked you out? What for?'' 

''We just don't get on'' She said ''She's got 4 kids and 3 of us don't speak to her. We'd just been arguing loads and she'd wanted £400 a month for board and i said i might as well move out, so she kicked off and threw me out, that was like just over a year ago and i havent spoke to her since'' 

She sounds rough, what a family. But i cant really judge her, its not her fault, She's got her own place, she's more grown up than me, I dunno how to use the washing machine. 

''But do you enjoy living by yourself now?'' I asked 

''Well yeah'' she said nibbling on a nugget ''I don't really live by myself but i kinda do, everyone in the house just keeps themselves to themselves, i just stay in my room, But its so much better than living with my mum. I've got my room just how i want it, ya know, its mine.''

''I thought you said you didn't like it there?'' I said finishing off my burger/

''Yeah i don't. A couple of my housemates are really loud, like playing music dead loud at like 3am when i've got work at 8. And it's just not in a nice area, there's always police around and people shouting and fighting at night.''

''Fuuuck, thats shit'' I said.

That's all i said. I had not the foggiest of what else to say. No soothing words of encoruge meant. What pearls of widow could I offer this poor chubby girl? With her probably minimum wage job at a change bino hall she was well and truly fucked. The modern renting market is not in this young girls favour. In the city, accommodation reflects the people who live in them; Poor. At least thats what i've heard.

I'd finished my meal and was slurping the last of my drink and zoe hadnty even finished her nuggets yet. Was she full already? Was she a terribly, infuriatingly slow eater? Or did she want to eat slower to make the date longer and savour my delightful personality and simulating conversation? NO! Pull yourself together man. Think of objectives. Stay cool. Your chilling. Might even get a kiss at the end of the night when i take her home, but for now you've gotta get this in the bag, focus. 

''You struggling there?'' I said pointing to her nuggets.

''Yeaahhhh'' She smiled ''I said i wasnt very hungry, Do you want the rest of them?''

Feels like i should say no but i bought them. They're littealy mine.

''Yeah alright, chuck em here'' 

I swiftly finished the nuggets and we walk back to my car.

''Am i taking you back home?'' I said turning on the engine ''Or do you wanna....

''Yeah take me home if thats alright'' She said ''I've got work in the morning, you know''

''Yeah no worries, it's been fun anyways''

As we were driving back I asked Joy what music she listened to.

''Oh i just listening to everything'' She said

''Oh right, what are you're favourite bands?'' I said.

''Ohh, errrm'' She said thinking ''i can't think of any off the top of my head. But i do like, you know ed sheeran?'' 

A women of great taste.

I pull up on her street and pull on the handbrake. This is it. Right now would be a socially acceptable to go in for a kiss. Thanks for the date, blah blah, its been great, bam, little peck. Seems doable. I think im going straight in. Don't wanna ask her. Can i have a kiss? Although i could, seems respectable, but feel like that could come across as funny, I dunno if somone said that to me id find it abit funny, I know its not the same cuz men and women etc. but you know. Just chill, see what happens.

''Well its been good'' I said

''Yeah ive enjoyed it'' She said turning to look at me. 

Should i go in for the kiss now? Fuck i dunno.

''I'll text you'' She said, opening the door. 'Bye'' before slamming the car door and walking into her house. 

Well...

Guess no kiss then. But not all bad. She said she enjoyed it, she said she'll text me, she did slam my fucking door though. But what if she said she'll text me to say she doesnt think it gonna work? Who knows? But for a first date i dont think it went too bad, could of been worse. This girl Joy could be the girl who i loose my virginity to. Who knows, only time will tell. 

6. Cats

The bitch. 

It took me an hour to drive home due to a pile up on the motorway. I kept checking my phone to see if Joy had text me but no. When I got home i messaged her 

'it was fun today, would you wanna see me again?'

To my amazement she said yeah she would want to see me again. We spoke about where we should go next, she suggested that I could go over to hers and watch a film. Im in. 

We arranged what day we were both free. She finished work at 7pm but i had work the next day. I was fishing to get her to offer for me to stop overnight, which she did. We arranged for me to stop over at hers. It's gotta be on, Surley? You don't go on a date then offer the guy to stop over to not have sex. Yeah this is always a possibility but the odds are definitely in my favour. 

Yeah. We'll watch a film then once it's done i'll make my move. Yeah I could make a move during the film, but what if she actually wanted to watch it and rejects me. I don't think i'd have the courage to try again. Once the films finished I'll hug her then kiss her. If we start making out i'd fondle her breast, she''ll take her trousers off, i'll take mine off. Get on top and loose my virginity in the missionary position. Keep it simple. Then maybe try cowgirl and dogy but just play it by ear. I'd of already lost my virginity so it would be impossible to ruin anything/ 

For the next few days we messaged about what film we would watch and other pointless conversation. But I was in. And it felt great. The stage was set. Everything was in position, i just had to not fuck but in the next few days.

The revelation of having a date set to loose my virginity gave me a real boost, a swing in my step. I should meet up with Spanner, maybe he'll give me a few pointers. 

I messaged Spanner to see if he wanted to meet, he said he was going round his mate Dans but i was welcome to join him. So I did. I always had reservations regarding spanners friends, but Ched seemed sound, so fuck it. 

I picked Spanner up. We hadn't spoken since our night out and the time in the car gave us chance to catch up.

''You know that fucking girl i pulled the other day?'' Spanner said ''you know the one in the taxi''

''Yeah i know'' I said changing from gear third to fourth

''She's given me the fucking clap hasn't she, the fucking slag, I had fucking yellow shit coming out my numb. Its not aids or anything, you just take a few pills and it goes away and you cant pass it on. But why's that fucking whore still got it? You just need to get some pills or did you not notice your fucking mingey fanny'' 

''Did you not notice her mingey fanny when you shagged her?'' I laughed.

''Right fuck you. 1. it was dark. 2. I was drunk 3. she was fit. 4......... Fuck you...... Anyways don't say owt to Dan about this''

We arrived at Dans. A rough looking house in a rough area. Rubbish all scattered over the front of the property. Spanner knocked on and Dan answered the door. A tall skinny man with a huge beard and long straggly hair with a fag lodged between his lips that went up and down as he spoke. 

''Ay up faggots, come in'' He said 

Spanner walked in first and I followed. The front door went straight into the kitchen, that's when I saw it. A box of cat food. There is no way I can describe the fear I felt. 

For as long as I can remember I have always have a irrational fear of cats. Spiders, snakes, rats, mice, toads, worms, pigs i can all deal with, but not cats. I don't know how or why this fear was afflicted on me but it's pure hell. I don't think i was ever attacked by a cat, not that my parents know of. But the fear was ingrained deep into my soul. It is apart of me more than anything else. A family holiday to turkey was ruined cuz they had cats roaming about. Filthy creatures. They can get anywhere; and that's why there so scary. I refused to leave the hotel room, i went down to the buffett a few times that's all, but when i saw one of the dirty creatures trotting about the buffett bold as brass, that was it. My parents had to bring food up to our room for me. No wonder Turkey is a third world country, a dirty, horrible stinking place, with them having wild animals roaming about. I saw some people sat at a table feeding the beasts, fucking retards, I then vowed to never set foot in turkey again. My Dad was so mad, 

'We've spent all this money for you to come here and you're just staying in the room cuz of a few harmful cats, they won't do anything to you' 

The fact the cats wouldn't harm was neither hear or their. They could be anywhere at anytime, climb anything, they could smell my fear. I've always thought my Dad slightly resents me for ruining the holiday and i blame all of that on the fucking cats, so the loathing runs pretty deep. 

I'd always done my best to avoid cats as much as possible. I don't bother them and they don't bother me. If i see one on the street I'll cross over. Every Time I'd go to someone's house and I didnt know if they had one id casually ask if they had any pets. If they had a cat i just wouldn't go. I wouldn't tell them why, I find the whole situation pretty embarrassing. I always check, i did it without thinking. I'd already asked Joy and she didn't have any. 

So when I saw that box of cat food on Dan's kitchen side I was not only mad at myself but also terrified. What the fuck am i gonna do? Where the fuck is it? Calm down, he might not even have a cat. Are you for real, there's a box of cat food and the place stinks like shit. Of course he has.

At this point they'd both walked into the living room. I can't just leave, as much as i really really want to i cant. I've gave Spanner a lift here and it doesn't look like Dan drives. I'll just had to fucking deal with it. Be a man, fuck these cats. They might be out anyways, cats are always outside shitting in some poor fuckers new flowerbed. 

I join Dan and Spanner on the sofa. I scan the room and see no cats. I give a sigh of relief. Me and Dan nod at each other sharing you alright to each other. 

Dan was telling a story about his weed dealer Mandy. From what they said I gathered she was about 60. 

''So i was sat at Mandy's having a joint and a cuppa tea and I say have you got any biscuits cuz she always has custard creams in and she gets them cuz i like them, you know mandy, and she was like oh sorry love i've ran out, i'll nip down to the shop and get some, i ses its fine mandy im alright, No no no she says its fine i'll just nip to the shop it wont take 5 minuets. Mandy I say, its fucking raining, i don't want a fucking custard cream that bad. Its no bother Dan she says i don't mind. I said i fucking mind Mandy, im not having you trapsing down to the shop in the rain just to get some biscuits. Well have a guess what she did?.''

''She went down to the shop'' Spanner laughed.

''No'' Dan said puffing the last of his fag ''She fucking went and got some from her next door neighbour, Brenda''

We all laughed. 

''Swear down'' Dan said ''she went next door and came back with some, they were only Lidl ones not the nice marks and spencers one's she gets but still''

For a second there I had forgotten about the dreaded cat situation. 

''So have you got a Cat?'' I asked Dan 

''No mate'' He says 

Thank fuck for that, i can finally relax and have a time and enjoy myself. 

''I've got 3, they're around here somewhere'' Dan adds.

Jesus christ! 

I'm well and truly fucked. Maybe if i explain the situation, the whole situation, maybe he'll offer to chuck them outside for my insanity. Yeah the house is a pig stye with newspaper all over the floor, it looks like a hounders house that's all been cleared out and all that remains is a house full of dirt and grime that you could never get to, to clean, but don't judge a book by its cover. This Dan character seems like a genuine nice guy, the sort of bloke who'd do anything for anybody. I mean he could of easily let Mandy go to the shop but he didn't. 

I work up the courage and say

''Ahhh you know it's just....I've got.....you know.....a thing about cats''

''What you fancy cats?'' Spanner says ''Watch out Dan he's gonna bum your cats''

''Fuck off'' I say ''No its just i've got an irrational fear of them''

''Oh don't worry'' Dan said rolling a joint ''They won't hurt you''

The second he said that a scabby, ratty. black cat slowly strided its way into the room. I could hear my heart thudding in my head and my stomach clenched. Then another black cat followed and entered the room, my heart was beating that fast it hurt my head, then the final black cat entered the room. It was show time. He had 3 black cats? what a fucking psycho. They were all in the room mooching around. But at least I knew where they were. They didn't come near me, not yet anyways. But when they did, i don't know how i would react, 

My immediate reaction maybe to kick one of the little fuckers then they'd all go for me and i'd end up having a fight with the 3 cats, trying to stomp on their heads while they hiss and scratch at me then Dan kicks off and starts fighting me. What a fucking nightmare. Im fine for now.

By now Spanner and Dan had seen my reaction of pure fear when they entered the room and my constant looking and attempt to keep track of where they all were. I couldn't hide the pure panic on my face even if  i wanted to.

''Fuckin ell'' Spanner said ''You werent joking, you are scared of cats'' 

It then seemed like the cats were all walking around the sofa in constant movement; All slowly pacing around in different directions but still surrounding me. I never had a clear path to the door's exit. They could smell my fear. 

 Dan then put on some music on from his TV. Queens of the stone age's - 'go with the flow' burst through his speakers, instantly heighting my fucking anxiety. My hands start shaking but I put them in my pockets to hide the fact. These men already know I'm pathetic, but it's imperative they can't see that i'm a coward. 

''They won't hurt you mate, i swear down'' Dan said lighting his joint and taking the first drag ''They're as soft as anything''

What the fuck are you talking about? What does that mean? Soft as anything? Jesus this fucking music. The cats are still circling me, meowing! The little cunts. Even writing this down now shivers run down me. I had to keep track of where they were. I had the advantage, i was bigger, strong and more intelligent than all of them combined. But i need their precise location at all time otherwise i'm fucked. Why the fuck did i ever come here.

Meanwhile while i'm having a goodman panic attack being circled by these beasts Spanner and Dan are talking about what queen of the stone age song is the best.

Then the cats circling began to get quicker and more erratic. The meowing got louder. Then they all began to look at me. The bastards were starring into my fucking soul, and they could see deep in my soul i was petrified. They had me by the balls. They movement in closer and closer. Yeah they made out they were just randomly walking around and sniffing, but i knew, they were after me. One got very close to me but Spanner lifted out his hand and swifted them away as he stroked them. Thank you Spanner my friend for protecting me, but jesus fuck you! Why are you stroking these creatures, giving them comfort and pleasure, we gonna get these demons away from us man, stroking them will only encourage them, the beasts may think I wanna stroke them, or just pretend to want me to stroke them so they can complete their attack and rip out my fucking eyes. Spanner had protected me but they were coming in on the other side and nobody was there to intercept them.This music kept blasting. They were getting closer. Shit, get away you bastards. I did the first thing i could and slowly swifted my leg out in there path which made them retrieve, but for how long? I couldn't keep stretching out my leg to evade the beasts all night, i'd pull a muscle. Spanner and Dan had already seen this leg barrier techequine and were already laughing. But the point of embarrassment was long gone. One of the beasts then jumped onto a big book case and began to climb, out of my sight. Fuck. 

''can't you....ya know....Just put them outside for abit Dan?''

''No sorry mate'' He said smoking ''They don't go outside, their not outdoor cats. Just chill mate and you'll be fine. I think it's just the fact you kinda freaking out which is kinda why their freakouted''

''They're freaked out!?'' I say looking around.

''Not freaked out but their...ya know...they can feel a tension. If you just chill out you'll be fine''

''It's harder than it looks mate'' I said 

''Do you want some of this?'' Dan said offering me the joint ''This might calm you down. 

Right then I heard a big fuck off smack and bang from the bookcase as the cat fell from the top shelf and knocked something over before running straight out the room in a big black blur. Fuck me. This unsettled the other 2 even more. im freaking out man. 

I'd always stayed away from drugs, a slippery slope in my book. But I'd take fucking black tar heroin to stop feeling like this. 

I took the joint from Dan had a big hit and slowly took a breath. I passed it over to Spanner and finally sat back on the sofa and rested my back which i'd only just realised i hadn't done since sitting down. Right then, I swear down, all the cats just chilled. They moved slowly away from me and didn't come near me for the rest of the time i was there. The music slowly faded into some chill indie shoegaze band and I felt the calm rush back through my limbs. I was beginning to go with the flow. 

''I told you bro'' Dan said ''I said they'd chill out. There very spiritual animals you know''

''He fucking loves animals you know'' Spanner said passing the joint back to me ''He lived on a farm''

''Yeah'' Dan said ''Lived on a farm till i went to prison. But we had Cows, pigs, chickens, goats, hens, cows, fucking everything mate, it was great, best part of my life was on that farm''

''Wait..you've been to prison'' I say

''Yeah'' He nods

''Jesus, what for?''

''Arson'' Dan says

''Arson?''

''Yeah''

''He was like 13'' Spanner said 

''Yeah it was all fucked up, Burnt this guys house to the ground cuz he beat up my sister. '' Dan said ''Proper mad shit.''

''Fuck me, valid response'' I say ''How long did you get?''

''5 years in young offends and 2 in the normal adult prison'' 

''Jesus, i bet you've seen some shit'' I say

Dan opens his eyes and nods. God only knows what he's remembering.

Right then I saw that the cat was taking a huge shit in the litterbox and was hit with a nasty fucking smell.

''Don't look at her'' Dan said ''She doesn't like it when people watch'' 

When I finally sobered up and the fear from the cats began to creep back in, me and spanner said our goodbyes and left. The cats watched me from a distance till i left their territory. 

On the drive back from Dan's, Spanner complained about his sti symptoms. 

''Fuck me, my balls are itching like a bastard'' He said rubbing his crotch ''Jesus, I'm starting to regret shagging her raw now'' 

''Your only now starting to regret it?''

''Well fuck yeah -You saw her she was fit. 9.5 mate but fuck'' Spanner said '' Only reason i've got this shit is cuz neither of us had a condom. Im not making that mistake again. I'm always gonna make sure i take condoms on a night out from now on. It's itching like no tomorrow. That pisses me off, why do the men always have to provide the condoms. I mean you wouldn't know, no offence but its true. Their the ones who'll get pregnant, why've we gotta buy them. fuck. Anyways, you went on that date didn't you? How did it go?''

''Alright I guess....I mean its the first date innit so ive got nothing to compare it to'' 

''Did you kiss her?'' Spanner said

''No''

''Booooo. Why didn't you kiss her?''

''I dunno'' i said ''but i am stopping over at hers tomorrow so...''

''Oh nice one'' Spanner said ''Well your fucking in their mate. What a guy. You're gonna be laying pipe like no tomorrow''

''You think so?''

''Oh yeah, 100%. But i do need to warn you....it's gonna be shit''

''What's gonna be shit?'' I ask

''When you shag'' Spanner said ''Its gonna really shit - You're first time having sex is always shit. Everyone always says it's terrible the first time. I've never heard of anyone who had a good first time.''

''Jesus thanks a lot'' I say ''If i wasn't nervous before, i am now.'' 

 ''I'm not trying to make you nervous'' Said spanner ''But your gonna be nervous, its a big fucking deal innit. I'm just trying to set your expectations.  Cuz it'll be shit. And if i didn't say anything, then you go and shag and its shit, you'll be all paranoid and self conscious cuz you'll be like, 'oh god that was so shit, oh she hates me oh im shit at sex', but no, im telling you be prepared for, at best, disappointment. If i was you i'd just play into it, like joke about how you don't know what your doing. Just when your about to start to fuck just say sommet like 'so where do I put this then? and point at your dick.

''Yeah but i haven't told her i'm a virgin and i want really want to tell her'' I say.

''She'll know'' he says ''If she's had sex before she'll be able to tell straight away your a virgin. It's cuz you almost always start in missionary when you first start shagging, especially if your fucking with someone for the first time. It's cuz women are so fucking lazy'' Spanner laughs ''And even though missionary, you know, you on top of her, is seen as the classic, vanilla, chicken korma of the sex positions. It's quite hard to get the hang of, even harder to master. First of all you've gotta actually get it in first which is easier said then done, then you've gotta figure out the angle, then you've gotta keep the pace, stride length, cycles of motion, velocity. I mean i'm getting technical now but this is all stuff you've gotta think about, you've not gotta prefect it first time but try to take it all in and remember what i've told you. I mean you might get lucky and she'll get on top, then all you've gotta do it lie there. But thats unlikely. You'll probably end up on top, just remember its all in the hips. Once you've cracked that your like 80% there '' 

''Fuck me'' I say 

''Yeah, i went a bit into too much detail there'' Spanner said laughing ''Im still really high.................Fuck my balls itch'' 

  

7. V-Day

The day had arrived. V-day. 

I didn't get much sleep the night before. 

I had a dream where I was running a cocktail bar in cuba then we heard Tom Hanks was coming so we had to clean everything up and make everything tidy but the beer pump tap wouldnt turn off and the beer wouldn't stop gushing out the tap and it started to flood the floor and soaked my soaks, then another tap started to blast out beer so i had to try and use my hand to stop that one as well but i couldn't reach them both at the same time. Then Joy came to the bar and said ''Quick follow me it's important' I was like what the fuck am i supposed to do? My bars flooding with beer and tom hanks is coming, then tom hanks appeared and leaned over the bar and joked 'are you having a bit of trouble their'' Laughing and i was like oh shit its tom hanks, so i laughed along 'oh yeah, haha' but then i noticed that Tom Hanks was holding a cat and i thought oh shit its a fucking cat. Then Joy said 'are you coming or not cuz if your not bothered then just leave it.'' Then the beer suddenly stopped shooting out the taps but the beer on the floor began to fizz and turn into a big white sticky foam that began to bubble and foam, pulsing, getting bigger and bigger. What the fuck is going on I thought. I turned to see that Joy was talking to Tom Hanks and she was laughing while stroking his cat saying 'Oh i love it'. But the white foam all on the floor began to make a hissing sound, then it began to corrode through the wood bar and all up the walls. What the fuck am i going to do. Tom and Joy were still flirting, i wanted to break it up so i tired to make a joke, its tom hanks. Whats a good tom hanks film i thought. ''Me and Jenny were like peas and carrots'' I say. But joy and tom hanks don't react they just stare at me and don't say anything, until joy says in a laugh. ''I think you've got other problems mate'' Then tom hanks throws his head back and let out a loud burst of laughing that was almost screaming.

Then I woke up. 

I'm not sure what the dream meant; but im sure it meant something. I couldn't get back to sleep so i got up and went out.

I went to get my hair cut. I felt it was needed for such a special event. I decided to go with a mullet. My hair was getting long and i was meaning to get it cut for a long time. A mullet felt right, a modern and rising trend that wasn't so unbelievably popular that everyone my age had it, but a significant portion of guys did, a perfect mix of modernes and retro. 

I entered my local barbers and was met by a man in his 50's with a big spiked mohican which was half pink half blue, he had no other customers and ushered me into the chair and wrapped the big fuck off black bib they put on you around me.

''What we having then mate'' he says, talking at me through the mirror.  

''I'm thinking a mullet, you know short front and sides but keep the back long'' I say looking at him through the mirror.

''Yeah i know what a mullet is mate'' He smiles chewing his gum.

Well fuck you, I thought, I only specified to save you from embarrassment in the case you didn't know what one was. You can fuck off next time. 

''And what grade are you wanting on the sides?'' He asks

Fuck. I always forget what the grades mean. Is 1 the shortest and 4 the longest, or is it the other way round? I don't even know if i want the sides long or short. Is there a difference? Well yeah but i don't know. I just want a mullet.

''I dont know'' I said

''Well if you don't know, how am i supposed to know?''

Oh you can fuck off, i thought, I didn't know i went to barber university and studied all the different sizes to the different fucking attachments on a fucking razor. This is common knowledge? knowing all the different sizes? I missed that day at school. You twat, that fucking stupid scrubber haircut. I guess i'll just have to choose a number between 1 and 4.

''I'll get grade...3 mate please''

''Oooo'' He says looking at my hair ''are you sure? cuz it'll be very short. I think we'd we better off going with a 1 or 2? Yeah?''

Fuck me. So you do know then, you fat prick. If you say id be better off with a 2 then 3. Is the difference between 2 and 3 that fucking big? Whatever then mate. And why's he 'i think we'd be better off', We? Its my fucking hair you dickhead.

''Yeah 2 sounds good thanks'' 

Just get this over and done with, I thought. Stay still and close your eyes. You need to be relaxed for tonight. But no the fucking Barber begins to talk non stop about his fucking car. 

''Before I had my Nissan before the volvo i've got now. I was driving one day. Where was i going?.....B and Q......Wait....No yeah, i was driving to B and Q next minute, bonet just falls off. So the garage give me a quote, have a guess how much it would cost for a new bonet and track rod.......go on guess''

Just leave me along man. Fuck off with your price is right bullshit? I dunno 30p? 46 grand. What am i the fucking argos catalogue for all car parts ever? 

''2 grand?'' I guess

''No'' He says a little disappointed ''£789! For just a bonnet and track rod, absolutely ridiculous''

Well hopefully my outrageous guess has informed him i know absolute fuck all about cars. But no, I think this cunt just wants to educate me.

He goes on about how mental £789 was and how a track rod was only this bing, showing me the size with his hands, and how it only takes 3 seconds to do all you do is remove this thing then but this thing on and weld it on with just a tiny little weld or some shit like that. 

He spoke during the whole haircut about the price of diesel, how he changed the alternator, pros and cons for 4 wheel drive, and the difference between driving a 2 litre engine and a 2.5.  I just kept nodding saying

''Oh right''

''Right''

''Ohhh''

''No way''

And repeat. 

Until he finishes my hair. It looks alright. I've got a mullet, what the fuck. 

I pay the man and then drive to Tesco's. 

I always like to wear headphones when going into tescos; It adds a sort of rhythm to the shopping experience. A constant rhythm that disconnects me with the rest of the the shoppers. I put on Mumford and Sons debut album 'Sign No More' and entered the supermarket. 

The music aloud me to drift around the shop at my own leisure. Take my time and take a moment. I couldn't spend all day in here, i have to leave to pick up joy at 6:15 but still had plenty of time.

I picked up a basket. What did i need? Condoms. But I cant put them straight into my basket with nothing hiding them. I picked the closeted thing to me that would do the job. A bag of original Doritos. On offer from £2.50 to £2, only with a clubcard. Which i obviously had. 

I managed to find the isle where the condoms were. I couldn't stand around all day looking at them though. I have to be quick and make my mind up with great precision. People couldn't see me standing deciding what to get. It's out the question. 

I look at the aray of condoms standing before me. Jesus there's loads. Just get what you know. Durex.

Slim fit? extra safe? flavoured? jesus christ! I haven't got a scooby. And how much? 20 quid.  Aren't their any cheaper? There's the tescos own brand for £6.50. But i cant pull out one of thoughs, a tesco's own brand, jesus. I'd look like a cheapskate. It sounds like an insult., ''I looks like he uses tesoo basic condoms'' Well Joy's not exactly the poshest. I mean does it even say tesco on the individual condom packet? Surely not. Surely its plain, so she'll never know. But there's no way of knowing. I cant open the box here and have a look, or ask a member of staff. How would that go?

''Excuse me are you busy? But do these Tesco's own brand condoms have the text tescos on the condom wrappers? Its just i've never  done this before, never used a condom either, in fact i'm a virgin and i just think the women i'll be trying to seduce will be put of by the fact the condoms are from tescos, i dunno it just seems abit cheap you know? Im not saying tescos is cheap or a horrible place or anything, im sure its a very nice company to work for its just i want everything to be perfect you know? I mean i guess its not the end of the world if they do say tescos on the wrapper, but only if it was small. LIke could someone see that it says tesco on it if its a bit dark and there like a few feet away? 

Oh your not sure? Oh right........no its fine. 

No! I couldn't ask, I don't even know why i considered it. Fuck it. I'll get the tesco pnes. I need to save money. If we're about to have sex, were both naked and i pull out a condom and she doesnt have sex with me due to the brand then........I dont even know. Try and get her to understand? 

''No Joy their fine, completely safe.  They fully comply to british standards. Look, they have the UKCA United Kingdom Conformity Assessed marker on them. No no there legit. They've been rigorously electronically tested for holes and air burst testing for strength. If it makes you feel better i'll put 2 on''

No! Just play it safe, go with the durex, treat yourself. It's a significant moment. It's a box of 20, im sure they'll last a while. 

But which type of condom? Extra safe? Thats surely that's best?  But would it come across as I really wanna make sure I don't have a kid with you or I really really dont wanna catch anything off you?

Jesus. I notice to my left a women next to me is browsing at tampons. Fuck i need to just choose. I pick up the box of Durex extra safe, put it under the doritos and swiftly leave the isle. 

Then I had a fantastic idea. I'll message Joy that I'll get us some snacks for tonight and what would she want. I go to message her to find she had messaged me about how busy work was. I said 

I hope works not too painful. Ill get some snacks for tonight, what do you like?

I wondered around the shop to wait for her to reply. but after 20 mins i decided to sod it and guessed what she liked. I thought I'd play it safe with some pringles, tanfastics, cadburys buttons and a bottle of pepsi max, as well as the doritos. i felt that was a good variety, catters to all. 

I used the self check out and drove to my next destination, the gym. 

Since I first started talking to Joy I hadn't been to the gym once. I guess i felt i didn't need to anymore and that the challenge was over. But i soon realised it was a bad attitude. I need to keep going. Keep loosing weight. 

I entered the leisure centre, got changed and started on the treadmill. By now i was listening to fat boy slim. I was just getting to the point where i could feel a little bit of progress, i was no usain bolt, but i felt i was improving. When i started i couldn't run for more than 5 minuets but it was around the 20 minuet's mark now before my lungs clammed up and my eyes would go funny. 

As much as it was a pain going and getting started, and that shit. When i was actually exercising and actually breaking a sweat, it was enjoyable, it was a sense of calm and satunarey. Before I had to stop or else i would pass out and be sent flying back into the man on the chest press behind me: i can relax and think. 

I really hope it happens tonight with Joy. Then i can relax and it'll or be all over. But then it might not happen and you just need to be prepared for that, knowing my luck it probably wont happen. But why the fuck not? But if i just think, im just going round to a nice girls for the night to watch a film and enjoy each others company and then if something happens it happens, if it doesnt it doesnt. IF i just think that then i cant be disappointed. There's no pressure then, Even if we don't end up having sex it'll still give me time to get used to talking girls, it gives me practice and time to learn, see what works see what doesn't, its all valuable things to know. that way i cant loose. Gaining confidence is what i need. 

I could feel stich in my left side begin to grow as my feet chugged on the treadmill, I had hit the wall. I left the treadmill and noticed there no nobody over by were the weights were. They were always crowded with big muscley men all stood around watching each other do various exercises. I'd only used the weights twice since starting the gym. The rest of the times i hadn't dare go over. 

I picked up some weights and began to do what i thought was right, i tried to remember what those big muscley men were doing, i think i got the hang of it. I could feel the burn in my arms. The blood was pumping to them, i felt a swell and strain onto them. Once i'd finished my arms felt so tight and tense. But they felt so much bigger, but it was painful to fully straighten them, so i got changed and left the gym with my arms always somewhat slighly bent, this made driving very hard as i had to bring my body to the side when i wanted to change gear as i couldn't reach without extending my arm. 

I cant believe it. The day i'm loose my virginity and i wont be able to bend my arms. But it wasn't that bad. I think i could get away with it and joy might not notice. Your arns are normally always bent. How often do you really extend them out straight? 

I got home and had a shower, brushed my teeth and used gel to style my new haircut. Looking at my phone I noticed Joy hadn't replied to my message about what food and drink she wanted. In fact it showed my number was blocked and that i couldn't message her anymore? What the fuck? 

It must be a mistake. She's done it by accident. She wouldn't just block me? For no reason?

I was stood in the bathroom with gel in my hair, starring at my phone, trying to figure out what was going on? 

Im supposed to be picking her up from work in 2 hours and going to hers. I don't even know where she works? I know its a bingo hall but i don't know which one? And why had she blocked me?

We had also added each other on Instagram so i checked to see if she's removed me off that as well. She had. i felt sick. The bitch. The fucking bitch. What the fuck is wrong with her? Why would she do that? Yeah it might be an accident to block me on one thing. but 2? That's no coincidence. She doesn't wanna meet me, or see me, or shag me, or see me ever again or have anything to do with me. She's made up her mind, would rather just turn me off, reject me, ghost me, so she doesn't have to think about me. Why would anyone do this? Too much of a coward to tell me what she thinks? She could of just said she didn't think it would work out then yeah fair enough, im upset don't get me wrong but thanks for letting me know. But no. She's left without a trace, leaving me to wonder what the fuck was she thinking. After we met, we spoke for ages, she seemed completely fine, was excited for me to come over. What a shitting thing to do and let me down 2 fucking hours before. Who the fuck does that? Does she not understand her own mind? Is she that much of a fucking bitch to not understand what she wants. Oh im too scared to meet up with him, ill just blocked him and forget about him, ill just go and shag someone else, someone better looking and fitter, Oh fuck off. She was horrible anyways. I didn't even fancy her. But that just makes it worse, i cant shag the people who i don't fancy never mind the ones i do. I cant even shag anyone uglier than me. You fucking wait and see. I swear to god if i ever get the chance I'll get you back Joy, just wait till you come running back. I'd shag her, tell her i love her then go home block her and never speak to her again. 

7pm came and wait and i never heard anything from Joy. It was over. I was at square one. But now i felt even worse. I sat in my room and ate all the crips, and chocolate buttons and sweets, i just needed it. As cliche as it sounded, i needed it to numb the pain. And after i ate it all i felt even worse. I'd been to the gym to loose weight, to look better. I need less. 

I looked at my self in the mirror. If this is how girls treat you i'd need to grow thicker skin. She might be an expectation. Maybe most girls would give me the consideration of telling she didn't want to see me, instead of leaving me with such ambiguity. I need to carry on, It was only a first date, at least i got that out the way. Small steps, its gonna take time, Just need to carry on. Double down. Need to do more. More dates, more gym, more focus, more dedication, more pressure, more confidence, more anger, more pitty, more passion, more power, more control, more self, more emotion, more confusion and more wanting. 

8. The Chats

As soon as i woke up i was straight on the dating apps. Before I even got up i used all my likes on the apps for the day, i've done my bit. Now i wait. 

I went down stairs and tried to make breakfast but overnight my arms had got a lot worse, I was completely unable to straighten them even a little. My arms were stuck in a bent position. You try and get healthy, gain muscle, but you just get fucked. This made pouring the milk into my cereal difficult. My Dad watched as i tried. 

''Whats up with you?'' He said

''I've pulled something in my arms at the gym last night?''

''How you done that?'' He says ''Lifting weights is it?''

''Yeah'' I rely 

''You flippin wolly'' My dad said ''You need to go steady when doing it, you cant just go for the heaviest thing straight away''

''i didnt'' i said 

''Yeah...well now your walking around like a flippin t-rex'' He laughed. 

I didn't laugh It was a good bit of observational comedy but i wasn't in the mood.

''Anyways..you got anything planned today?'' He said

''No not much''

''Surprise surprise. I don't know why im paying the mortgage on this house, you spend more time in here than me. Are you not going to the gym today?'' Dad said 

''No, i cant cuz of my arms''

''You can still go on the treadmill'' He says '' Just don't go on the weights for abit''

''I don't feel like it''

I didn't feel like doing anything. I finished my breakfast then sat and watched 2 seasons of how i met your mother when spanner phoned. 

''Yo yo yo what you doing?'' Spanner said ''No need to answer, your doing fuck all as usual, So anyways, me Ched and Dan are going to see The Chats tonight but Dans dropped out the fucking prick so your coming, were on our way now, be at yours in about 10 minutes ''

I hadn't listened to the chats in years, a noisy 3 piece shed punk band from Australia, they were good. But i don't wanna go out. There's no chance of meeting a girl at a gig and i want to save all my money and energy for the situations where that might ever so slightly be possible. 

''Nar mate, sorry i'm skint''

''Boo who. Your coming''

''Im not joking'' I say ''I've got no fucking money''

''Well get money then'' He laughs 

''Where from?''

''Why you asking me all the questions?'' Spanner says ''Beg, borrow, steal, pillage, work, die, kill, lie. Do anything''

''I can't mate sorry'' I say 

''You don't even know how much it is'' Spanner says.

''How much is it?'' 

''£30'' he replies 

''Yeah, can't afford it'' I say 

''Oh fuck you. Is it just the money? Do you actually wanna come?''

''Yeah yeah swear down'' I lie 

''Well'' Spanner says ''I'll buy the ticket for you for your birthday''

''My birthdays in like 3 months'' I say ''and since when were we giving each other presents?''

''since right now, and my birthdays next week and you better get me sommet worth 30 quid or i'll murder you in your sleep''

''So you'll pay for me to go tonight?''

''YEAH'' Spanner shouts ''Now get ready, were round the corner''

''I dunno my arms-

''OH fuck you'' Spanner Yells 'You fucking said you wanted to come. Its sorted, your coming. Now hurry the fuck up''

The boy had beaten me into submission. I ended the call and got dressed into a green day t shirt and a pair of blue baggy jeans. 

I could hear the roar of an engine chugging outside and house of pain's jump around blast through some shit speakers. It must be them. 

I went out and got in the back of Ched's car. A 2001 Vauxhall corsa that was caked in dust and grit inside and outside the car. Ched was driving and Spanner in the passenger

''Fucking hell, turn down the music down'' I say 

''WHAT?'' Spanner shouts 

''TURN IT DOWN A BIT'' I shout 

''Oh right'' Spanner said turning the little circle nob.

''Where is it were going? i ask 

''Gigs at rock city in nottingham'' Ched said

''You ever been to rock city?'' Spanner said lighting a fag.

''No'' 

''Oh its great'' He says ''What time are they on Ched?''

''Errrrm 7:30'' Ched said starring at his phone.

''We better get a move on'' I say 

''Yeah in a sec'' Ched says ''Im just sorting the que out?

''Que?''

''Yeah the music que, what songs to put on on the drive.....Right sorted''

Ched put his phone in his pocket and took the handbrake off.

''We've got plenty of time'' Spanner said taking a drag ''Ched drives pretty quick'' 

Next thing the car shoots forward, out my estate, down the road and out the village. Ched changing gears like he's in fast and furious, overtaking cars on residential roads. I couldn't tell if the cars he was over taking were parked or just going the speed limit. Old dog walking pedestrians tutted as we shot past. Then we were in down a road, into a service station car park and onto the m1. 

''Short cut' Ched says 

In what felt like 10 minutes, were off the motorway and into the centre of nottingham pulling into a multistory carpark. 

We all piled out of the car and exited down the stairs, walls covered in graffiti.

''We going for a drink then?'' Ched asked 

''Yeah...Now where should we go? Where has cheap booze, food and lets you order on your phone so you don't have to keep going to the bar?''

''I don't really know Spanner'' Ched smiles.

''Oh me neither'' Spanner said lighting a fag ''Guess we'll have to go to spoons then''

We all made our way to the nearest wetherspoons and was greeted by a bouncer, a big black man with huge shoulders who was stood In front of the door.

''ID's'' he said bluntly 

Fuck, I haven't brought mine. 

Spanner and ched were showing the bouncer there's

Spanner said ''You've made me feel young again''

The bouncer remained straight faced and looked at me for mine.

''I haven't go my id'' 

''Sorry mate, can't let you in'' The bouncer said arms crossed. 

''Oh come on'' Spanner pleaded ''Look at him, look at him. he looks over 25, look at his eyes, do they look youthful to you? look at him''

Spanner than grabbed me by my shoulder and ushered me to turn around.

''Come on mate, look at him, were both 23. You think we'd hang around with someone under 18?...Don't answer that, but come on. He's got a green day t-shirt on for fucks sake.

The bouncer stared at me up and down then seemed to give up and nodded.

''Yeah alright whatever. go in''

''Legend'' Spanner said '' Do you get bored just standing there all night, bet you get so bored, do you like it when shit kicks off. I guess it gives you something to do.''

The bouncer shrugged.

We piled in the pub and sat at an empty table and all ordered from our phones. 4 minuets later the table was filled with drinks. I only ordered a double vodka and orange, wheres Ched had 1 pint of carling, 3 shots of fireball and a vodka and monster. and Spanner had ordered 2 pints of carling, 4 Jagger bombs and 2 fireballs.

''Fuck me'' I said ''You gonna drink all this?''

''Yeah'' They both said 

''Were seeing the chats'' Spanner said ''You've gotta be fucked up when you see them''

I accepted Spanners advice and ordered 3 Jagger bombs.

''Shall we play a drinking game?'' Ched asked

''Nar thats gay'' Spanner said 

''How is it gay?'' Ched said

''It just is. Oh never have i ever sucked a dick ooooo. Drink if you've ever thrown up from drinking too much hahaha...thats shits gay''

''Well what shall we do?'' Ched asks 

''What shall we do? What shall we do? What do you think we should do?'' Spanner said looking at me.

''I dunno, get fucked up?''

''No! But yes'' Spanner said ''Obviously that's what we're doing, we've had about 30 units between us in the last 5 minuets but what should we do while we're getting fucked up? Anybody?...Talk! We talk to each other. Why have people made drinking so fucking complicated?''

''So what we talking about then?'' Ched asked

''Fuck knows......nar, I never asked you what happened with that joy girl, what happened when you went round?''

''I never went round to hers, she just ghosted me 2 hours before, haven't heard anything since'' 

''Women'' Ched and Spanner say in unison. 

''I'll tell you this'' spanner said downing a shot ''It's your first time but it won't be the last. But don't let it get you down. Fuck her''

''Yeah'' Ched said ''Fuck her, thank you next''.

i reach over and pick up my drink but have to move my body into the table due to my inability to bend my arms.

''Arms fucked I say''

They both laugh. 

After fuck knows how much alcohol, 2 lots of chicken wings and a pizza we stumble out of Weatherspoon's and say bye to the bouncer. 

''Well we've missed the support act'' Ched says.

''Who actually gives a fuck'' says spanner 

''Me'' Ched says ''We've paid for the ticket, might as well go see them''

''Oh, who the fuck watches the support band anyways'' Spanner says as we cross over a road ''I've never seen a good support act, every time i've seen one i've always said yeah, there alright for a support band'' 

We walk up the road to rock city when i realise im dying for a piss. Alcohol always goes straight through me. 

''I dunno about you lads but i rate need a piss''

''Yeah same''

''Yeah me too''

We enter a pub that's just on the right. 

''Where you going?'' The bartender asks.

''For a slash'' Ched says.

''You'll need to buy a drink first'' He says

''Alright, I'll have a free tap water'' Spanner smiles 

''Haha. No. You need to buy a drink''

''Well what's the cheapest'' I ask 

''Do I look like a menu?'' He says

We all look at eachother.

''No, You look like a man in his 30's that looks like a man in his 40's that hates his life'' 

Before we could see his reaction, Spanner walked off to the toilet and me and Ched followed him. We ran into the toilet and tried to piss a quick as we could. But it felt like i couldn't stop. The piss flowed and flowed.

''Do i look like a menu? What a fucking prick'' Ched said

We left the toilet without washing our hands and as soon as we left the toilet a bouncer and the bartender were stood waiting for us.

''Right lads'' The bartender said in a firm voice ''You need to buy a drink''

He led us to the bar.

''So what do you want?'' He asks 

''I think im gonna be sick'' I say 

''Yeah me to'' Ched says 

Then spanner starts wrenching and putting his fingers down his throat.

The bartender shakes his head ''Just get the fuck out, the lot of ya, your fucking bared, if i see any of you in here again...''

''What you gonna do?'' Spanner said ''Spank us? Oh daddy yes please, oh have i been a naughty boy?''

I knew this was our que to leave. We all ran out of the pub and up to the hill until we reached the entrance to rock city. 

We went up the stairs into the big dark room full of smoke and young and old punk rockers. The room was packed full.

''Should of came earlier'' Ched says ''We wanna be near the front''

''Fuck that'' Spanner said ''Follow me''

Spanner led us through the large crowd ''excuse me, thank you, just need to, yeah, i just need to, sorry somebodies pushing me''

People death starred us as we pushed through the small gaps between kissing couples and old men having conversations about when they saw the clash in 78'.

We finally stopped just a few rows back from the front. 

''Piece of piss'' Spanner said ''Right i wanna drink, who's round is it?''

''Not mine'' Ched says 

They both look at me

''Im not going back through there'' i say

''Its your round bro'' Spanner says ''The longer you leave it the worse itll get, the quicker you go the quicker you come back''

''Well i do need another piss'' I say.

''Well there you go. Right i''ll have a cider''

''Yeah same'' Ched says

So off i went, back through the crowd, ducking and diving. I went for a piss and then queued at the bar. A long que. Fuck i havent got my id. What if they ask for it. There definitely gonna ask, of course they will. Just need to ask will confidence. 3 pints of cider mate, straight and assertive. 

Then i saw her. A girl with frizzy brown hair and glasses with the same green day shirt as me. She was by herself, nodding her head and singing the words to the jam song that was playing. The fact we're wearing the same shirt is definitely a valid reason to speak to her. 

''Nice t-shirt'' I say 

He doesn't hear me. 

Fuck. Do i say the same thing again? Was she just ignoring me? Fuck. Do i tap her on her shoulder? They cant get me for sexaul assult surley? The shoulder isn't sexual is it? Fuck.

I tap on her shoulder, she turns around.

''Nice t-shirt'' I say

She looks at me up and down then smiles.

''Oh yeah, the same'' She smiles, pointing at my belly ''There great aren't they''

''Yeah. What The chats or green day?''

''Well both'' She laughs ''Have you ever seen these before?''

''What the chats?'' 

''Yeah'' She laughs again

''No no, my mate has. I've not listened to them much since i was at school.''

''Have you heard there new album?'' She asks?

''No. is it good?''

''Its alright, not as good as the first 2''

I suddenly realise that my crossed arms may put her off. I wish i could bend them. Why the fuck did i have to lift them bastard weights.

''So what's your name'' I ask 

''Amy'' 

She was just about to ask mine when she got severed at the bar. Once she told the bartender she wanted 2x Vodka lemonades showing 2 fingers, she turned back to me. 

''You know they play there songs faster than on the recording, it gets abit full on''

''Oh right'' I say 

''Yeah, like most bands play faster but the chats do it alot faster, I think it works for some songs but not all of them you know, well you'll see for yourself, they'll be on soon''

The bartender then handed her the 2 drinks, she payed and left before saying.

''anyways, i'll see you later, enjoy''

Then she left and disappeared into the darkened crowd. 

I managed to get the 3 ciders and scramble back to ched and spanner, pushing between everyone but i didn't care. I was looking for Amy but i couldn't see her anywhere.

''Fuck me you took your time'' Spanner said taking his cider.

''Big que. I was chatting this lass up''

''Nice'' Spanner said

''She fit?'' Ched ask.

''Yeah'' I said 

''Nice'' Spanner said gulping the pint. 

Next thing the lights went down and the house music stopped.

''Fuckin ell, better down these before they come on'' Ched said before downing the cider

We all chugged the drinks as the 3 members walked on stage. The lead singer, who wore a huge ginger mullet, stepped up to the mic with his thick aussie accent.

''Hey there, we're the chats from queensland Australia, this songs called Nambored.''

All of a sudden the band roared into the first number and the crowd opened up and moved side to side, everyone pushing and shoving, dancing and singing. I had to keep my arms bended so i    push anyone. Young sweaty fans slammed into me jumping in the air. I lost Spanner and Ched before the first chorus. 

''NAMBORED. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE''

The crowd opened and closed. Then just as the song finished, Bang, They went straight into another song. I think i knew what it was but they were playing the song too quick for me to know. I kept looking around to see if i could see Amy. Did she have a boyfriend? She did buy drinks, surely her boyfriend would of gone with her. If i was here boyfriend id buy her all the vodka lemonades she'd ever want. 

Then I saw her. About 5 metres away, jumping up and down shouting the words, pushing and being pushed. I tired to make me way over to her but then she disappeared again.

Then i felt 2 hands grab my shoulders. I turned around. It was ched.

''Have you seen my shoe?'' He asked

''What?...No'' I said, looking down and seeing he only had one shoe on.

''Fucks sake'' he said ''People keep stepping on my foot''

Then the crowded swayed again and Ched was taken away out of sight. 

The band played and played. The singer looked like he was gonna pop a vein. I jumped and sang, I sang the words with other strangers and was full of sweat, the whole time keeping my eye out for my t-shirt twin amy, but i never saw her. The show came to a climaxa and the band said thanks nottingham you've been great and left the stage with the house lights coming back on. 

All the fans filtered out leaving the dancefloor bear. I saw Spanner asking a roadie for there setlist and Ched picking up his shoe which he could now find. 

''Fuckin nice'' Spanner said holding up the setlist as we walked down the steps to the exit.

''How come you always get the setlist?'' Ched asked.

''How come you always loose your fucking shoe?'' 

As we left rock city and got back into the street where all the other fans congregated. Ched moaned about how his feet are a weird shape and shoes have never fitted properly. I saw Amy, stood on the other end of the road. Vaping and talking to another girl. Fuck. I should go over and ask for her number, or instagram, or snapchat. But she's talking to someone. If someone else was there to see the rejection it would be twice as bad. I cant go over with another girl there, a girl i haven't spoken to. 

Just as Ched and Spanner were about to walk off, the girl Amy was talking to walked off, leaving her standing there alone, leaning on a brick wall, puffing out white clouds. I've gotta do it, If i don't i'll regret it. Forget loosing your virginity, well don't forget but i've gotta do it. 

''Wait there a second lads'' I say, and run over to the other side of the road, narrowly avoiding a car and walk up to her.

''Hey amy''

She looks up and smiles.

''Oh hey, So what did you think?''

''Oh they were brilliant'' I say ''But i know what you mean about them playing quicker, some of the songs i didn't realise what it was until half way through'' 

''Yeah i know. i was just saying that''

Now try to fish a bit.

''Did you come by yourself?' I ask 

''No no, i came with my mate but she just left, Im just waiting for my uber now''

''Oh right, do you go to many gigs?''

'Yeah a few'' She nods ''I think this is my 6th this year, i dunno, i've got them all written down on my phone''

''Yeah me too'' I laugh

Then i hear spanner shout over to me.

''We've gotta get going mate, we've got work in the morning.''

Fucking nice one, great timing. 

''Yeah i'll be there in a sec''

''I think this is my uber anyway'' Amy said pointing to a car that just pulled up. 

''Oh right, well i'll see you then''

''Alright love'' She smiles ''See ya.

Fucking bottled it. Should of asked for her number, Now she's gone forever, she could of been the one,and she's gone, now's the last time i'll ever see her. 

Just as I turned away from the beautiful girl and walk towards Spanner and Ched, Spanner shouts.

''Did you get her number?''

''No'' I shout back

''Well what you playing at'' He says frustrated.

I turned around to find Amy smiling at me next to the uber. 

Fuck it, might as me.

''Well...can i have your number?'' I ask, feeling like a shy little weasel.

''Of course you can.....thought you were never gonna ask'' she laughed.

She told me her number and i repeated it back to her. 

''Well i wanna make sure i've got it right'' I laugh

She laughs as well. 

''Well i'll message you'' I say 

''I look forward to it'' She said before getting in the uber and driving away.

I joined Spanner and Ched and couldn't help smiling. 

''Fuck me'' Spanner says ''He gets one birds number and your acting like you've cured cancer''. 

9. Amy

The fact that i had manged to chat up a girl with good music taste and get her number was shortley forgotten on the drive back from the chats gig. 

Ched was driving like an absolute mad man, pissed to high heaven while Spanner head banged to Duran Duran's 'Rio'. He was weaving between cars on the m1. Going up to 100mph at one point.

''Don't worry, I drive better drunk!'' Ched said smiling at me through the rear window. 

''Is that what your gonna say to the police if you get pulled over'' I say 

Ched nodded.

''So when should i message this girl Amy then? Is now too soon?'' I asked

Spanner stopped head banging and turned to me.

''Nar, not too soon to message her now, but don't over do.''

''Well what should i put?''

''Just put sommet like...Hey, it was good to meet you today....Some shit like that''

I take spanners advice and text her exactly that.

''And when should I ask her if she wants to meet?''

''I dunno bro'' Spanner says ''Just feel it'' 

''You've just gotta feel her balance of energy and aura'' Ched said.

''You shut the fuck up and keep your eyes on the road'' Spanner said ''You don't know what your talking about''

''Fuck you'' Ched said ''I do! I went home with that girl the other week''

Spanner laughed ''Yeah cuz you fucking spiked her''

''I did not!'' Ched said turning off the motorway,

''That or she was blind as fuck'' 

''Yeah I think she was abit'' Ched said.

''Well there you go, it was a fucking fluke.''

''It wasn't a fluke'' Ched said ''Pure fucking tactics mate, go for the girl with the bad eyesight so she can't really see what you look like. Adapt, react, adapt''

''Yeah whatever you say you fat fuck'' Spanner said to Ched laughing ''Good gig though, only downside was that i didnt pull. How come your the only one who pulled, unbelievable.

I just shrugged like it was the easiest thing in the world.  

''Don't you look all fucking smug with me, i'd like to see you pull a girl in a gay club wearing a t shirt that just says ''Honry'' Spanner said smoking ''You fucking try and do that, I'll tell ya its not fucking easy, but i did it. In mansfield. I've never pulled anyone at a gig before, everyone's just looking at the band, and people aren't there to hook up, they are at clubs though. Only reason anyone has ever been into a nightclub is to get off with someone''

''But what if they work there?'' Ched asked

''The fuck are you on about?'' Said Spanner. 

''Well you said people only ever go to nightclubs to hook up with someone. But what if they work there? Then there just there to work and get paid''

''People also go to work to hook up you fucking retard'' 

''Do they?'' Ched asked. ''I don't think they do''

''Of course they fucking do. I've shagged loads of girls through my work.'' Spanner said.

''Yeah well not everyone''

''Most people''

''I don't'' Ched said 

''Yeah, cuz you work in a care home'' Spanner laughed. 

''Yeah true'' Ched says, drifting as he turns a corner ''By the way have I told you? We're getting the band back together''

''Fuck me'' Spanner said ''Fucking hell, no your not?'' 

''Yeah yeah, we patched things up and were gonna give it a go again'' Ched said.

''I didn't know you were in a band Ched'' I say.

''Yeah yeah, we've been playing on and off for a few years. We all had a big argument like over a year ago but we're all speaking again. So were just gonna have a few practises and see how it goes''

''Oh nice'' I say ''What do you play?''

''Drums, used to have lessons when i was like 8-17. But in the last like 2 years me and the teacher would just smoke weed and watch the big lez show. My Dad went ape when he found out. 

''Jesus christ''

''Yeah. But im still alright at drums. Ched said ''There's 3 of us in the band. Me on drums, Perry on Bass and Lee plays guitar and sings'' 

''Your fucking terrible'' Spanner laughs ''I've never heard such a worst band in my life''

''You just don't like the genre of music we play'' Ched snaps back.

''The genre is shit, I wouldn't bother mate, pack it in as a bad job, don't embarrass your self anymore'' spanner said drawing on his fag ''Lee and Perry are a bunch of wankers anyways''

''Jesus christ spanner its just abit of fun''

''Alright alright'' Spanner said changing the song ''But don't you dare come moaning to me when it all goes tits up, like always.''

''It won't'' Ched said.

''Your fucking drunk mate.''

''And your not?''

''I'm straight edge'' Spanner said

''Least im not gay''

''Me gay?'' Spanner said ''You've literally been wanked off by a man before. nowt gayer than that''

''I was litterally sexaully assulted'' Ched said ''That doesnt count, i was 11, i couldn't even produce cum''

''Still gay''

''No, you know what is gay?'' Ched laughed ''Harry Potter''

''It's fucking not! Spanner shouted ''It's fucking sick''

After a lengthy dissucion about the homoerrtic subtext of the harry potter franchise, Ched dropped me off home. 

I stumbled in the house. got in bed and tried to figure out what i would message Amy, I can't be too forward, needs to be a bit blasé. 

She had replied to my first message saying 

''It was good to meet you too x''

Got the x's. It's fine, im in. 

But now what the fuck do i say? Should be something witty. Maybe apologise for the fact that my friends had to shout over to get her number. No. Forget that, let it burn with the rest of the memoires i want to forget but subsequently always remember, mostly when i'm trying to sleep.

I couldn't think of anything witty, or even slightly witty so i went with 

''I hope you got home safe x'

' Ever the gentlemen. Show her i'm nice. Yeah a cool guy with tattoos, a motorbike and lack of respect is nice but i feel i'm the sort of guy a girls parents would like. Dependable. Yes very shy in person. Unbenounced to them i'm tying that bitch up and whipping her with chains while she sings the coronation street theme song. 

Fuck, but I don't know. I know Amy is gonna pie me off and throw me to the dirt. i like her. Its sods law. I actually feel  like I want to be her boyfriend. It's a possibility she could be my girlfriend. I can see it. Me and her driving around doing shit, Shagging then going around and doing other stuff. Like strawberry picking. I could even see us living together, and getting married. Our first dance could be a green day song, the chats would make more sense but there discography consists of no suitable song for a first dance, yeah we could have the dance to a chats song and we could just mosh and jump around but i want the first dance to be more traditional. A calm symbol of our love, Holding each other, swaying side to side, staring into each others eyes, experiencing pure happiness. Maybe by the time we get married the chats would of moved on from heavy punk rock sound and released an acoustic ballad album. This seems unlikely so if this isn't the case we could of with Good riddance by green day. Even though its a bitter break up song and Billie Jo Armstrong is saying a big fuck you to his ex and saying have the time of your life. But nobody thinks of it as a breakup song, everyone plays it at emotional times, like leaving school and shit. So i guess we could use it for the first song. I would of course have to mention it in my speech. 'I remember the first time i saw her, I fell in love, but it was too scared to speak to her to be honest (pause for laughter) Then i saw we had the same t-shirt on and i thought, well this is fate, you can't stand in the way of fate (pause for laughter).

But im getting carried away. One step at a time. Just play to by ear. 

Amy didn't reply the next day. Or the next day. But the day after that.

''Sorry. I've been so busy with loads of stuff but how are you?''

No kiss? What the fuck have i done? I haven't ghosted you for 58 hours but sure don't give me a nice little x at the end of the message.

 No calm yourself. The x is not important. She took this long to fucking reply. My nerves are fucking shot. Everytime my phone got a notification i grab it as soon as i could, like a crackhead who's found some crack. I fucking hate uber eats now and vow to only use justeat cuz they dont send so many fucking notifications. But I digress.

I wanna make a statement. Ask her in a subtle but not completely subtle way that she doesn't understand, but ask, WHATS THE CRACK? YOU WANNA GET SOME SORT RELATIONSHIP ON THE WAY THAT WILL EVENTUALLY LEAD TO A PERSONAL AND SEXAULL RELATIONSHIP SO WE CAN TELL EACH OTHER HOW NOT-UGLY WE ARE AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT ARE BODDIES? 

But how do i say that without. 

I just need to ask her out basically. Do you wanna go out somewhere? 

I wanna take you out?

You coming out with me or what?

Im taking you out tomorrow, be ready at 9?

Im taking you out tomorrow, be ready at 9. sharp?

Im taking out tonight out the door at 9, and wear something black.....i like black.

No no. I think they could all work to be honest. The last one is a possibility. I think its more of a risk she'll hate it. But if she does find it attractive, then.....then ive got no idea.

I message her.

''So do you wanna go out for a meal this week?'' 

Sort of simple, I think that did the trick. No bells or whistles. 

10. 

Me and Amy arranged to meet at 8 in Lombardi's on friday. For a week and a half she would send me 1 message a day, 2 if i was lucky. 

The messages were all sweetness and like. Yes sorry ive been so busy, dinner would be great, i'll see you at 8. It was looking promising. The quality of the massagers were great, but not the quantity, I mean how fucking busy is the bitch? Everyone's always on there phone now, fucking everyone. My parents who still say courting, watch the news and Bargin Hunt are always on the phone. 

Maybe Amy was different, She might not conform to the new technology obsession that's gripped the western world. Maybe she lives a more fulfilling, spiritual life, away from the screens and expercines nature and culture. One can only hope. 

After my first, and only date with Joy. That ended in her just ignoring me, i feel i didn't make enough effort. Going to the cinema then mcdonalds with Joy obviously didn't cut the mustard. I need to try harder. So I offered to take her to the best restaurant i knew. The only one i know. Lombardi's. A nice quiet Italian restaurant where all the waiters were Italian. I'd gone there every year with my parents for my birthday since i was about 16. On my 18th a waiter came out and played guitar and sang happy birthday. 

I showered, shaved, and got ready and went downstairs. 

''How hungary are you?'' My mum said shouting from the kitchen. 

I went in to find her behind the shove, the kitchen covered in steam from the  boiling of various vegetables. 

''Oh i don't want any tea, im going out''

''Well you could of said'' My mum said shouting over the extractor fan ''I'll just have to plate you something up and you can have it tomorrow, then me and your dad can have fried mushrooms tomorrow cuz i know you don't like them''

''Yeah great, no worries''

''So where are you going out to? Your not going mcdonalds are you? And what you all dressed up for? Why you getting all dressed up to go to maccies?''

''Well no, im going out on a date actually'' I said.

''With a girl?'' Mum said. 

''Yes a girl''

''Well im just checking''

''yeah well, i've gotta get going''

''Where are you taking her to?'' she asked

''Lombardi's''

''ooooo Lambardies'' she said ''Wish someone was taking me there. Well good luck. 

''Cheers''

''I think you've put on a bit too much aftershave though'' Mum said ''I could smell you before you came downstairs'' 

''I've only put on 8 squirts.''

''8!'' She says ''8? You don't need that much on, I certainly dont have enough money to be putting on that much of my perfume'' 

''Well what can i do now?'' 

''Not a lot, just drive with the windows down and hope most of the smell goes''

''Right, well ive gotta go, i'll be late'' I said, putting on my coat

''Yeah alright go. and good luck''

I drove with the windows down and listened to Fleetwood Mac.

At 7:56 outside Lambaries i waited for her, I wore a pair of F&F jeans, blue vans, a black primark shirt and a black coat, unsure of the brand, All sprayed over by 8 squirts of Juno's Joop. At 8:01 i began to panic but then she arrived.

I watched as she walked around the corner towards me. Her face hiding in the darkness but then became visible by the pockets of warm light shining from the street lamps. She smiled as she saw me, looking even more beautiful than the last time i saw her, with her bright green eyes poking through her glasses, her short and brown frizzy hair, wearing a tight black dress, holding her purse and phone cuz she didnt have any pockets. I was in love. 

''Sorry im late'' She said as she walked towards me. 

''Only about 90 seconds. Might as well leave it now, bet they've given the table away'' I said smiling. 

''Well lets go and find out'' She said, ushering me into the restaurant. 

They had indeed not given our table away, and when i gave my name the waiter showed us to our table.

A cozy 2 seater in the corner, covered with a white table cloth, upside down wine glasses and a lite candle.  

''May I get you any drinks?'' The waiter said in a thick Italian accent. flicking over his notepad and taking his pen from behind his ear. 

''I'll just have a cider'' I say without thinking. 

''And what cider would you like?''

''Do you have strongbow?''

''No no'' He said smiling ''We have Cornish Orchards, Oliver's Fine and Burrows Hill''

I've never heard of any of them. How can they have ciders nobodies heard of? What are you too posh for Aspalls? 

''Errr... I'll have the first one''

''The Cornish Orchards?'' He said 

''Yeah, sounds great mate'' I said slamming the wine list closed and handing it to him. 

''Excellent choice sir. And for Madam?'' The waiter said turning to Amy who was scanning the menu. 

''I'm not sure.'' She said  ''Not sure weather to get a pornstar martie or a glass of wine.''

''It's up to you'' I said smiling. 

Just don't choose the fucking wine. Cheapest glass is about £14

''Would it be a red or white wine?'' The little old waiter said blinking heavily through his thick glasses.

''Oh I like red wine'' Amy said

'Then may i recommend madam the house Amarone Della Valpolicella, it is a very rich, velvety wine with hints of fig''

''I'm not the biggest fan of rich red wine'' Amy said ''Do you have anything else?''

''Why yes of course Madam. We also have a the Piedmont Noble, made from 100% Nebbiolo grapes with beautiful aromas of cherries and roses. It is known as 'King of wines and the wines of kings''

''Sounds lovely'' Amy said, handing him the menu.''I'll have that''

''Might i say, an excellent choice. And would Madam be having a glass or a bottle?''

Jesus. A bottle!, this is gonna cost me a arm and a leg.

''Oh just a glass please'' Amy said smiling ''I don't want much to drink. thats alright isn't it?'

''Yeah of course, have what you want'' 

''I'll be back with your drinks '' the waiter said, before bowing his head and scuttling off. 

''Its a nice place this is.'' Amy said looking around ''I've wanted to come for ages, everyone says its dead good.''

''Yeah, i always come here for my birthday'' 

Awkward pause. 

Shit i need to say sommet, fuck we cant run out of conversation before we've got our drinks. 

''You know i reckon you could order anything and the waiter would say 'excellent choice'. I laugh

She also laughs ''Yeah yeah your right''

''I'll just have a tap water mate....'excellent choice''

She laughs again ''yeah but that's free, he probably wouldn't say that if its free''

''Yeah true'' I say. ''Its a classic restaurant tactic to try and get you to order wine''

''How come?'' She says

''Well they get the best profit margins on wine, they can mark the price up more or less however they want. I mean look, there's wine glasses already on the table, its not called the drinks menu, its called the wine list. All subtle ways to get you to order the wine. You just say red or white and they offer the most expensive one. Wine always tastes better served from heavier bottle and always tastes better the more expensive it is. You were undecided between wine or a pornstar martini, he but he just asked you about what wines you like. All restaurants do it.''

''Oh i feel bad now for ordering the wine'' My date said.

''No no its fine'' I say ''You order what you want. I was just saying, its just an observation. No no you order what you like. Have 7 main courses if you want''

''Well i am pretty hungary'' She smiles. 

 ''Yeah well, i was joking, think i can only afford for you to have 3 mains, if your still Hungary we can go maccies after.''

''I think 1 would be enough'' She said'' I don't eat much anyways'' 

''Well i can tell.... Like you've got a good figure.. not skinny....well you are skinny...not dead skinny....not dead fat....and even a little fat....your just....

Before i could finish the waiter had come back and placed our drinks on the table. Thank you lord. Jesus christ, What the fuck am i on about?

''The Cornish Orchards for sir....and the Piedmont Noble :King of wines and the wines of kings for madam'' He said smiling ''And are we ready to order?

''Not yet mate, we haven't looked yet-''

''Actually i know what i want if you do?'' Amy said looking at me ''I looked at the menu before I came''

''Yeah I know what i want.''

''Great'' She said. ''Can i please have the Pappardelle al Ragu' d'Agnello, i think i've said that right''. 

''Great pronunciation..excellent choice'' The waiter said scribbling down the order. ''And you sir?''

''I'll have the exact same thing'' I say. 

''Another excellent choice'' 

I always get the Pappardelle al Ragu' d'Agnello when i come, ive had it every single time i went to Lombardi's, apart from my 20th birthday when i ordered the calzone and regretted it. The Pappardelle al Ragu' d'Agnello is just a beautiful dish, Wide egg pasta ribbons with slowly cooked Owen taylor lamb, in lambaries signature ragu sauce, with delightful touches of chilli and mint, all seasoned with a sardiana pecorino cheese that is to die for, all for the price of £20.95....No wait, its now gone up to £23.96. I thought she was just gonna get a pizza or something. 

''And would you like any starters?'' The waiter said. 

''Oh im not bothered'' I said shaking my head ''But if want want one?''

''No no, im fine'' She said. 

''Well, i'll be back with your food'' Said the waiter before dashing off again, 

''Excellent choice'' I say ''I always get that when i come here, its amazing''

''I'm always good at choosing the right thing when ordering food. i dunno why, its just always been one of those things, i've never been very good at anything else'' She laughs ''I always have to look at the menu before i go anywhere and figure out what i want. Then i have to figure out how to actually say it.''

''You did really well'' I say ''I thought you spoke Italian or something''

''No no, i studied it at gcse for abit but im not that good''

''Better than me, 'I can barely speak english'' I laugh.

''I feel like that sometimes'' Smiling. 

''I've probably ordered that pasta dish here about 7 times and i've always just pointed at it'' I say 

''Well that's cheating'' She says. ''That's the whole point of going to a restaurant, you know ..ordering it in the language''

''Is ittt?....'' I say 

''Well yeah, well at least i think it is'' She laughs. 

''Well next time i'll learn how to say the food properly'' I say 

''Well im glad to here it''

Have I scored a second date already? Lets go. and it seems to be going well. Jesus she looks good. I wanna kiss her. 

''Where we going next time?'' She asks ''mcdonalds?''

''I dunno about ordering there, i told you i don't speak english well''

She smiles, then were back to the awkward pause, It could be 3 seconds it could of been 300 i don't know. But she checks her phone, not a good sign. 

''So what do you do?'' I ask ''I cant believe i haven't asked yet'' 

''Oh i work at home bargains'' She says looking up from her phone.

''Oh right, do you enjoy it?'' 

''Well its home bargains'' she laughs ''Its okay i don't mind it. But the customers piss me off sometimes''

''Do you work on the tills?'' I ask. 

''Yeah the tills, i do everything. I'm basically the manager with being the manager, and without getting a managers wage. We always get people trying to nick stuff. Other night 3 lads came in and stole aload of frozen pizza's''

''what just frozen pizza?'' I ask.

'Yeah' she laughs ''That was the only thing they took. Stole about 25 of them between them'' 

''They must of had one hell of a pizza party'' 

''I bet they did'' She nodded ''then the other week some old women stole some perfume''

''Did she get away?'' I ask. 

''Yeah they always do. The store says they cant afford a security guard, and even if we know someone is stealing something you have to just leave them. We're told we cant touch them or even stop them from leaving the store. We just have to report it to the police, well you ring the police and they take about 2 hours to get there and by then the thief's are far away stuffing there face with free pizza'' 

''Jesus, do you get staff discount though?''

Not much later the waiter brought us our food. We both said it looked and tasted beautiful, She ate the pasta very slowly, so slowly i had to slow down cuz i would of finished before she even touched hers. She put her hand over her mouth as she ate and checked her phone, and guzzled down the wine and ordered another glass, not before asking me if it was okay and i said 

''Yeah of course, fill your boots''

I finished my pasta before she was even half way done with hers. Then she didn't seem to be eating it at all, but finished her second glass. 

''Are you struggling there?'' I asked 

''yeahhhh. Pastas so filling, im full''

''Yeah it is'' I agree. 

Not that filling, i've finished mine and could easily finish off hers, But i cant, i just cant, what would she think of me?

Eventually the waiter came back and took away the half eaten pasta dish, that beautiful sauce and rague that melts in your mouth. I watched the waiter take it away to be thrown away, it broke my heart. 

''Well it was lovely'' Amy said 

''Yeah it was, do you wanna stop and have another drink?''

''No i cant, i've got to catch the bus home''

''Oh right, when does it leave?''

''About 15 minuets'' She said ''Bus stops only up the road though''

''Oh right, Well i'll just get the bill the i'll walk you back'' 

This was easier said than done, I tried to get the waiters attention but he was busy whizzing around laughing and telling people about the house white wine. Every time he went past i lifted my arms to show the universal sign for the bill by pretending to write on something. eventually he saw the signal put a thumbs up then came over and placed the white recipect on the table. 

Please don't be over £100 i thought. 

The bill came to £94.90. Jesus christ. At least it wasn't over a 100. But i bet there expecting a tip, well they can fuck off. 

The little waiter came back and i paid on card, declining to leave a tip. 

''Are you sure you don't want me to give you some money towards it?'' Amy asked. 

''No no'' I said ''Its fine, i invited you''

I paid on card.

''Im sorry sir'' The waiter said looking at the card machine ''But the transaction has failed'' 

Fuck me. 

''Oh right, i just need to move some money around, bare with me mate'' I said before quickly whipping out my phone and opening the banking app.

 Jesus i cant believe i've already spent all my current account money and now im dipping into my savings thats seemed to stay at 5 grand for the last 4 years. I eventually transferred the money and paid again via contactless, this time going through.

''Many thanks sir, many thanks'' The waiter said in slurred english ''I say i do remember you. On your 18th, you came here, i played you guitar''

''Oh yes you did'' I said ''I remember''

''I never forget a face, its nice you see you back. I hope you two have a wonderful evening, and i hope to see you here again soon'' 

We said goodbye and left the restaurant into the cold, dark evening, putting are coats back on. 

''I need to hurry, the bus leaves in 4 minuets.''Amy said checking her phone.

''Well lets go'' I said. 

We crossed the road and walked up the street.

''Is it far to go on the bus?'' I asked.

''No not far, its only like 4 stops''

''Oh thats not too bad'' I say 

As we walk up the street i see the bus waiting. 

''There it is'' She points. 

I wonder if we'll kiss. I hope my breath doesn't smell like garlic, But we've had the same thing to eat so it should be fine. But she's had 2 drinks and i only had one, and she only ate half of her food. 

As we reached the bus she turns to me and says. 

''By the way you smell really good. Well its been nice, thank you for tonight''

Should i kiss her now? 

Then she turns and gets on the bus. I watched her climb the stairs to the top deck and wave at me before the bus pulled away, disappearing into the night. 

Should of kissed her. 

Oh well. Im sure shes got a few photos on instagram i can have a wank over.

11.

Now how long? How long do I wait to message her?  

I've already got the message typed out. ready to send, but how long do I wait?

'I really enjoyed tonight, we should do something again soon xx'

Two x's felt right. Things were progressing. I've definitely earnt the right to send 2. 

But when do I send?

I rack this question in my brain while i stood at the bus stop where Amy had gone home on the bus not 3 minutes before. 

Fuck. I wanna send it straight away. But that seems too soon, too forward. 

Spanner would tell me to chill the fuck out and leave it till tomorrow. But jesus I wanna send it now. We had a connection. At least that's what I think. We had a nice conversation. Does that mean she's in love with me? Well maybe. It was good, pleasant, comforting, I didn't try to change my personality at all. Well obviously I had to change it abit, I'm not mental. But from everything I've seen soaked in through films, tv shows, books, games, adverts and life, I think I'm in love! 

And dammit if this is love why shouldn't I send it straight away? Its pure passion. Maybe she'll message back saying she's had an amazing time and really really liked me and to come over to hers so we can watch the first 10 minuets of the first friends episode before we fuck, orgasming simultaneously in a beautiful sweaty crescendo. 

As i stand at the bus stop staring at the message on my phone i notice a drop of rain land on the screen, then another, and another.

If this is love, or whatever love is. Obviosley it doesn't exist, it's a concept, but concepts do exist, you just need consciousness. Which I have. There's no test you can buy at boots to take to see if your in love. It's something you feel. And fuck, if i'm in love, sure why not? It might be nice to try. First time for everything, at least now i can say 'yeah i've been in love'

Now, obviously the fact i've admitted to myself that, yeah I'm definitely in love, it's almost certain i'm gonna end in heartbreak. 

But fuck man, that's life, that's passion, that's what it means to be alive, that's smelling the air, looking at the stars, the trees, the feeling of water splashed on your face on a bright sunny day, goosebumps, pain and love, things every human who's ever existed and will ever exist will feel, and they should feel, cuz that's the reason we're here.

I should fucking message her i love her, shout it from the rooftops. I should go home and write an album of love songs. I only know 5 chords, but thats all you need. All the best songs are about love. Anybody who ever wrote any of them felt it, they had to. I could buy a cheap recording set up on amazon, connect it to the computer and record them, maybe not a full album, but 5 or 6 beautiful, soulful, pieces of musical art to listen back to maybe in 10 years and think yeah, i've lived. 

I should of kissed her. I should of grabbed her hand, caressed her hair with my fingers and looked into her eyes as I said something softly like.......You are beautiful.....or.......You are out of this world...or..........This is the start of something special...or.........You are the most amazing person I've ever met...or........You give me butterflies...or.......I'm crazy about you...or........I haven't stopped thinking about you...or..........I'm so glad i let my mates drag me to see the chats....or......You are beautiful...or....Not said anything at all. Just look into her eyes and kissed her! Boom! it was that easy. It could of been that easy. I'll never know now. 

Now the rain is getting heavier and I wipe the water from my phone screen. 

I need to make a decision.

No.

No. I cant send it not 5 minutes after she's left. She's probably on her phone now, sat on the bus, headphones in. What's she gonna think if she sees the message? 

I guess I don't know. 

The rain begins to really pour, I can feel the damp soak through my jeans and I think fuck it and send her the message.

I was running to my car, storming through the rain, my shoes slapping into puddles every other step, when I finally reached my car and got in...she hadn't replied.

When about half way home I pulled up on the side of the road, indicator blinking, cars rushing past me, I checked my phone and...she hadn't replied.

When I pulled up outside my house and pulled up the handbrake...she hadn't replied.

When I got in the house and went to my room...she hadn't replied.

After I got dressed and went to the toilet...she hadn't replied.

This was now over 45 minutes after I sent the message. 

She's definitely seen it. What, did she just sit on the bus and stare into space and not look at her phone? Is she a fucking psychotic bitch? Yeah right, by now she'd of got home, and still no reply? She just wanted a free fucking meal. 

But maybe she has her notifications turned off? Or her phone died? Or she saw the message but is still thinking of what to put. 

After I watched 3 youtube videos:

'I Hired Hollywood Stuntmen To Loose To Me In A Fight' by Max Fosh.

'How many died in the Mongol Conquest?' by Premodernist.

'We attempted to cross Manchester without walking down a single road or canal (part 2) by Geowizard. 

...she hadn't replied! and right before I went to bed she hadn't replied, and when I woke up in the middle of the night I checked my phone and ...she hadn't replied!

I stared at my lonely message - 'I really enjoyed tonight, we should do something again soon xx'.

What a fucking stupid message. Fucking 5 minuets after the date ended? Jesus christ what was I thinking? And why did i put the 'soon' at the end? Oh yeah, just to put the fucking cherry on top to show her that yeah, i'm definitely a sad, desperate, lonely virgin.

These are the thoughts that drift through my mind as i fall asleep. 

When I woke up at around 10 i didn't dare look. 

But I did....and she had replied. 

My heart fluttered and I unlocked that phone so fast I dropped it. After picking it up i saw the beautiful message. 

'I had fun too, yeah absolutely i should be free next weekend xx'

Lets. Fucking. Go. 

I'm in. 

Lets all calm down, you've fucking done it. You fucking did it you beautiful bastard.

She replied, A perfect message, pure fucking poetry, Lets break It down.

''I'' Referring to herself. Its personal, i've entered into her personal life.

''had fun too'' Fun. She said she had fun. Who the fuck has fun anymore, apart from kids and people with down syndrome? I didn't even use the word fun in my message. She's used that specific word to illustrate how fucking joyous are short, but precious time together was.

''yeah''' Yeah, A definite answer, thats concrete, that's a pure yes, she's answered my question.

''absolutely'' Absolutely?. Jesus Im cumming. Its fucking going off. Nothing to say.

''i should be free next weekend'' She ''should'' be free. Hell i know we cant plan our life's out, maybe something will happen, maybe her mum might get run over? or when she's working at home bargains a group of armed russian terrorist storm in and keep everyone hostage? She can't promise anything, cuz it's impossible. Should is just should. Things that SHOULD be. 

The sun SHOULD rise. Rapists SHOULD be sent to prion. Black people SHOULD be free from slavey. Tap water at pubs and restaurants SHOULD be free and The Smiths SHOULD get back together. 

She SHOULD  be free next weekend!

And next weekend? I didn't even offer that, but she mentioned it. She mentioned the date, not me, she did. She's keen.

Now what to reply?

Don't think, just say what you mean, don't overthink it, Let your subconscious take control. 

I type out 

''Great, what do you want do? xx'' and hit send.

Jesus. 'What do you want do?' 

'WANT DO'?

Fuck me, i can't change it now, its gone to the cloud. Or wherever the internet stores all its information. 

It's fine. A simple slip of the fingers. Everyone does it. She knows what i mean. If she doesn't she's definitely a retard, but I wouldn't let something as trivial as that stop me from fucking her, 

Now i wait for her reply. 

And so it starts again. 

I get up, brush my teeth, have a shower, no reply.

Have breakfast, catch up on coronation street (6 episodes), wash the pots, no reply, 

Go to the gym, 30 minutes on the cross trainer, 5 on the stairmaster, 15 minutes lifting weights, back on the cross trainer for 10, finishing off with 20 minutes on the treadmill with a low pace high incline walk and no reply. 

I go home, have another shower,  watch a louis theroux documentary. scroll on instagram. No reply.

My mum comes home from work. She comes into the living room.

''So how did your date go? Did it go alright last night?'' She asks.

''Yeah yeah, not too bad'' I say 

''Will you be seeing her again do you think?''

''Err yeah'' I reply ''Yeah i think so''

''Ohhh that's good'' she says ''and the dinner i made from last nights in the microwave so just have that whenever. Right i'm gonna start our tea now'' Then off into the kitchen she goes. 

I check my phone and she hasn't replied.

I carry on scrolling, now onto facebook, watching old clips of  '8 out of 10 cats' and 'Supernanny' and she hasn't replied. 

Then my Dad gets in from work and sticks his head into the living room. Only his head visible with his body hidden by the door. 

''How did you go on last night then mate?'' He says

''Yeah yeah, not too bad'' I say 

''You meeting up again then or what??''

''Err yeah'' I reply ''Yeah i think so''

''She alright then?'' He asks.smiling. 

''Yeah'' 

''Nice'' He nods'' Right, i think your mums just about finished our tea. Did she tell you that the dinner you didn't eat last night is in the microwave?''

''Yeah'' I say ''She did''

Dad nods his head then shuts the door. 

I check my phone and she hasn't replied.

What the fuck is she playing at? What is she so busy doing not to reply?

I cant handle this, sat around not doing owt. I needed a distraction. I needed to get drunk, not needed but wanted to. 

I messaged Spanner to see if he was doing anything and he told me to meet him and Ched at The Swan in half an hour. I got ready and walked over.

I was purposely 10 minuets late cuz i didn't wanna be the first person there. What do you do when your in a pub and don't know anyone? Just sit and drink by your self? Talk to people? Yeah i can talk to people but how the fuck do you start a conversation with anyone in a pub. Spanner and Ched seemed to know everyone there, fuck knows how. 

On the walk to the pub I listened to the first half of 'Definitely Maybe'. When I got there I spotted Spanner waiting to be served at the bar. 

''Ay up lad'' He says ''What you having then? It's my round''

''Pint of inches'' I say ''Is Ched here yet?''

''Yeah he's fucking over there'' He points ''He's brought his fucking gay band mates with him, if I knew that I wouldn't of come out''

''Oh right'' I say 

I was quite excited to meet them, i'd never met anyone in a band before. Apart from Ched. 

''They do piss me off'' Spanner says ''Thank fuck your here''

A man of around 30 joins the que wearing a grey tracksuit.

''You alright Jake?'' Spanner says to him.

''Aye, not bad. you?'' He replies.

''Yeah, fucking thirsty'' Spanner jokes

We get served and walk over to the booth.

''How do you know him then?'' I ask Spanner.

''Who? Jake? Fuck knows. I just know him, you know''

Me and Spanner go and join the booth where Ched is sitting next to 2 skinny lads, both wearing jeans and black leather jackets with long mod style haircuts. 

They must be Lee and Perry. 

''Alright mate'' Ched smiles at me ''This is Lee and Perry'' Pointing to the lanky pair sat across from me. 

''Alright'' They both say in unison.

''Did you know we're in a band?'' Lee says.

''Yeah yeah'' I say ''Ched said''

''I play guitar and sing'' Lee says.

''And I play bass and do some back up vocals'' Perry says.

Spanner rolls his eyes.

''So what sort of music do you play?'' I ask them, trying to make conversation. 

''Well, we play everything'' Perry replies.

''We don't really aline with any certain genre'' Lee adds ''We wanna combine all the best types of music into one sound, creating a new genre.''

''You see'' Perry adds ''The more different genres you add the more people will be into it'' 

''Creates a wider audience'' Lee says.

''So what sort of genres do you mix?'' I ask, taking a big gulp of cider.

Lee leans closer to me and says.

''Well the main ones are soul, grunge, new wave, indie, hardcore, metal, blues, ska, post-punk, pop punk, country, jazz, jazz fusion, shoegaze''

''And all the rocks'' Perry adds ''You know. Punk rock, Garage rock, Classic rock, Surf rock, Math rock, Progressive Rock, Psychedelic rock''

''I just think we should be a metal band'' Ched says, his head a little low. 

''Noooo!'' Perry says.

''No fucking way!'' Lee says slamming his hand on the table ''That's fucking boring! Thats been done! We've spoke about this, fuck me'' 

''I dunno'' Ched says ''I get what you mean, but it's just like your trying to over complicate it''

''Fuck me'' Perry say.

''That's the fucking point'' Lee shouts ''It takes people, new people, who think differently, to create new and better shit. I mean Ched, you think 20,000 years ago when we were hunter gatherers we said nar this agricitle stuff sounds too complicated? No we fucking changed, we got shit moving! ''

''Its called innervation'' Perry adds.

''What the fuck are you on about? ''Spanner laughs to himself'.

Lee ignores him and carries on.

''You fucking said Ched, You fucking said when we got back together, you said you'd give it a try''

''I know i did'' Ched replies.

''Fuck me'' Spanner laughs ''Bands broke up already'' 

''We've not broken up Spanner'' Ched says ''We're having a discussion'' 

''Yeah, its all part of being in a band'' Perry says.

Lee finishes his pint and slams the glass on the table 

''Yeah'' he says ''You think Oasis or Pink Floyd or Fleetwood Mac all sat around giving each other massages and making tea? No they fucking butted heads, its all part of the whole band thing'' 

''Yeah but there actually good'' Spanner laughs ''You're fucking shit''

 ''You haven't heard are new sound yet'' Perry says tying his shoelace.

''Yeah thank fuck for that'' Spanner says before getting up and walking off talking to that Jake guy.

''So...'' I say ''have you got any upcoming gigs?''

''No not yet'' Perry says ''It's hard for originals bands who play their own songs to get gigs. especially when you try explain the whole genre mix thing, they don't really get it''  

''Exactly'' Ched says holding out his arms for emphasise ''We should start by playing covers, till we get a bit of a following, then play our own stuff''

''Yeah i kind of agree'' Perry says.

Lee turns to them ''You have no idea what your fucking talking about! That's not how it fucking works. Jesus. Your either a covers band or an originals. You cant be both and you cant change, your one of another.''

''Bro, the Beetles were originally a covers band you know? Ched says.

''Oh great!'' Lee says as he stands up ''Well if the fucking beetles did it back in 1962 then obviously its gonna work for us! Lord give me strength. Anyways It's my round. Perry? Ched? Same again?''

They both nodded and Lee goes off to the bar. I finish my drink, leave Ched and Perry to find Spanner who was now playing on a fruit machine. He stares at the screen and doesnt look up.

''You winning?'' I ask him.

''I'm always winning'' He tell me ''If your not winning, your loosing'' 

Right that second he wins £10 from the machine, it flashes and makes a ding noise and he turns to me and smiles.

Then turns back to the machine and resumes.

''I had to fucking leave, I couldn't be dealing with anymore of Lee and Perry. Sometimes there alright, they can be funny. But anymore than 10 minutes i cant handle it'. Even worse when they've had a drink''

''There certainly something'' I said not knowing what to say.

 ''You can say that again. They go on like there the fucking biggest band of all time.You know what i mean? You know how many gigs they've ever played?....one, one fucking gig, And they didnt even finish it cuz they fell out''.

''I'm not surprised'' I say.

Spanner laughs.

''Anyways, I'm getting another drink Spanner'' I say ''You want another Carling?''

''Nar'' He says ''get meeeeee a amstal......nar...get me a guinness

''Right''

''Actually no, yeah i'll have a Carling. Sorry this machine is fucking with my mind'' He smiles. 

I went to the bar and got the drinks.

The rest of the night was good. I had about 5 pints, spending the time moving between Spanner and the band, switching about every 20-45 minutes as Spanner couldn't stand anymore of them.

Spanner mostly told me about a girl he was shagging who had a kid and the band mostly discussed what there band name should be. They didn't agree on one.

I got one last pint at last orders, then we all left at chucking out time. I said my goodbyes and walked home listening to the white stripes... and she still hadn't replied.

12.

In the 3 months since starting the gym I had lost half a stone. Not good enough. Getting there but nothing. I was going around twice a week and felt i fitter, I could run and train longer than when i first started, But i wanted to loose around 6 stone. With the eventual goal of halving my ordinal weight. The 7 pound lost already, in the last 3 months simply wasn't good enough. 

I was eating better, still not great. I had limited having takeaways and fat food to once a week, I just needed it. Until i was full till i couldn't eat no more and the gult would always wash over me. 

So i decided the best and only course of action would be to just stop eating. Which the mainstream media says you shouldn't do. But fuck it. It's the most effective way. 

I would only eat an evening meal. Whatever my parents made me, Mostly they made healthily stuff, so it would suit me. I'm paying my board so i might as well eat what they make. Then apart from that i'd eat nothing until the evening meal. Nothing for 24hrs. 

I did this for 8 days and the weight fell off me. I lost another half a stone. It took me 8 days to loose what i'd lost in 3 months, 

On the 9th day I was scrolling Instagram reels and watched a short of Joe Rogan talking to one of his guests about how junk food is nice, but you should only have it in moderation. He spoke so beautifully about Quarter Ponders, The juicy meat patty being expertly complimented by the onions, ketchup and mustard. Then my belly really started to fucking rumble. 

Then all I could think about was that fucking quarter pounder. Whatever I did i couldn't stop thinking about it. All I thought about was just biting into that juicy bun, 

I tried to fight the urge, but before I knew it i was dressed and driving, 

What the fuck am I doing? I thought. Yeah go and get the burger you fat fuck, Oh fuck you, I'm fucking starving one burger is fine, NO NO its not fine, fucking turn the car around and drive home, But i really want the fucking burger. Im fat. ill always be fat, its apart of me, it always has and always will. Yeah great, no , You fucking hate being fat, Yeah i do but its me, you gotta change man, 

I tell myself to just drive past the mcdonalds but i don't, I indicate in and pull up and join the drive thru que.

Well i'm hear now, might as well get something, 

You've lost half a stone, you're starving. 
My stomach felt like an easter egg, all hard but brutally hollow, and any outward pressure would cave the whole thing in 

I'll just get one quarter ponder, Dont over do it. If you get one burger i wont fell guilty after. 

Might as well get a double quarter pounder. Sure why not. 

But its my cheat day. I wanna fucking let loose, why the fuck not. I'm here why the fuck shouldn't i get 2? 1 double quarter pounder wouldn't even last a fucking second. The first one would be gone before i could even enjoy it. 

Yeah get 2. Nar fuck it get 3! Then i'll really enjoy it. 

I pull up to the drive thru speaker and roll down my window.

''Hi, welcome to mcdonalds, what can i get you?'' The voice said.

''Yeah can I get 4 double quarter pounders with cheese, please?''

''Yeah, that'll be £26.78'' She says. 

Jesus christ. £26? Fuck me what have I done? 

Thats fucking 2 pounds of meat. 

I pull round to the window to pay. A beautful blonde holds out the card machine, wearing the mcdonalds unifrom, looking fucking hot. 

Wonder if she thinks these are all for me? Look at yourself of course she does, you fat prick. 

I pay the stunning blonde and wait for my food, 

What the fuck have i done i thought, I should just ask for a refund now. Or just drive off. Drive away and not feel guilty. Yeah i've lost nearly 27 quid but itll be fine. I can't. I've made this decison. 

They hand over the bag of burgers and it feels heavy. Jesus i think. I'm not gonna eat all this. I'll have 1 then save the rest; 

I pull in the McDonalds carpark and obviously eat all 4 double quarter pounders.