Crime

It was a Tuesday night when Adam and Nick were robbing an old mans house. 'Its all fucking shit' Adam said looking at the bookshelf. 'VHS, who the fuck has vhs tapes. He's doesn't even have a vhs player. And why are old peoples houses always so brown. Brown sofa, brown curtains, brown lampshade. Its not just him. its all of em'. Nick was at the fridge taking a swig of a glass bottle of milk. 'That hit the spot' Nick said wiping away the milk on his lips. 'This is like proper milk, its dead nice. He's defo got this delivered from the milk man. I've never had milk from the milkman before, have you?' 'No don't think so, Lets go in the bedroom'. They both walk into the bedroom and check the usual spots. Adam was looking in the wardrobe and Nick was looking in the side draws. 'How much you reckon it cost to get milk delivered, it must be expensive' Nick said as he had his hands in the old mans pants and sock draw. 'I bet its not as expensive as you think, but that milk was nice. I'm defo taking that, lovely for a milkshake.' 'I didn't even know getting your milk delivered was a thing anymore' Adam said reaching the top of the wardrobe. 'No you can, There's one that delivers near me, I've seen it every now and again coming home from work. hang on' Nick found something and pulled it out of the draw, a jewellery box filled with gold chains, earrings, and rings. 'Here we go, takeaway tonight Adam'. They emptied out the box on the bed. Adam picked up the rings. 'You reckon these are wedding rings' 'Might be' Nick said 'But he's dead now, cant take it with him'. They bagged up all the jewelry and looked under the mattress to find a lump of cash. Nick picked it up and began to count it 'That's one thing most old folk have got in common' Adam said 'They love brown shit and always hide there life savings under the bed, wonder where that comes from, maybe it was in a really famous old film. How much then?' '£215. shocking init. Your lifesavings, cant even afford...I dunno, what can £215 buy you now-a-days?' 'Fuck all mate, Thatcher's Britain innit.' 

Nick had been working for a lifeline service for the last 3 years. When old people got too old and if they didn't have kids or had kids who couldn't be bothered to look after them, the old people have chords fitted in there house incase something happened and they needed help. Most of the time they'd fall on the floor and were too weak to get themselves up. Nick's job was to speak to the man or woman through a shitty speaker they'd have fitted in their house and see if there alright. Sometimes the lifeline company would send someone round to pick them up, but if they had any pain or hurt themselves in any way they'd have to call for an ambulance, which on good days had 5 hour delays. On this day, Nick was speaking to a man who pressed his alarm called Derek. He said he had chest pains so Nick called him an ambulance and carried on with his shift. 6 hours later the alarm went again at Derek's house, it was the ambulance service to say they'd just arrived and found him dead. Nick looking at Derek's notes saw he had no family and his key safe number was 1934, his date of birth. So they nipped round and helped themselves.  

Nick and Adam were driving home after a somewhat decent score. Nick with one hand on the wheel and the other finishing off the bottle off milk before throwing it out of the window, going so fast they couldn't hear the smash. 

They pulled up outside Bills house and brought the bag of jewelries. Bill was a guy they always sold their stolen stuff to. He was like 40 or 50, and overweight, he lived in a tiny house and the whole place was covered in absolute shit. Just piles and piles of magazines, dvd's, cd's, pots and pans, fucking everything and he had multiple of it. 

'Ey up lads. Had a good night?'

'Yeah' Nick said 

'Well get your arses in here and lets have a look'

While Bill looked at the old mans jewels Adam looked around the old mans living room, he always thought Bill was really weird, like he was trying to be their friend and but he was trying too hard and it came across as creepy. Nick didn't mind though, he thought Bill was funny, yeah he thought he was still creepy but it was all part of his charm, and he was a teddy bear really. 

'Ill give you 100 quid for the lot'

Nick and Adam nodded their heads 'Okay'. They never barted with him, as weird as he was he always gave a fair price, and he was the only person they knew who would buy this shit, thats why they put up with him. 

'You boys want a drink?'

Every time they went round he asked, and every time they said no, the state of the kitchen was like a bomb site, pure grime. 

Bill pushed some papers off the sofa onto the floor to make room for Nick and Adam to sit, then sat in his stained armchair and lit a fag.  

'Fucking feets killing me. Think i've got gout or sommet' Bill said pulling off both his socks.

'Tried to get a gp appointment but cuz i work nights i can't get one, fucking lazy bastards. Nhs is piece of shit'

Adam just nodded but Nick replied.

'Yeah, like they say, you always get what you pay for. but we don't pay for the nhs, its all free, so its bound to be shit' 

Adam turned to Nick 

'What the fuck you talking about? It's all paid for my taxes, its not just free'

'Yeah but i don't have a job or pay taxes, i don't pay for it. Like i bet if you had to pay it would be so much better, like putting tv's on the ceiling so you can watch netflix while your having an operation or like when your dying they get some hooker so you can get sucked off one last time. Like have full time prostitutes on the dying wards, and they'd probably do it, cuz its like being a nurse without having to go to collage and all that bullshit, you just fuck dying men, like yeah they're dying old men with wrinkly dired up skin and balls but the satisfaction they would get would just out way that. Then if the NHS did that people would be more likely to go to the hospital and they'd make more money and therefore make it cheaper for everyone, fucking simple economics.

'Not really simple economics' 

Old Bill learned back on his chair and puffed his fag. 'I know if i was on me death bed I'd want some fit bird to suck me off' 

'I literally don't know another male who wouldn't, everyone would, i don't know why this isn't a thing. You would wouldnt you Adam?'

'I dunno, don't really wanna image the scienro where i would be dying'

'You fucking would, you'd loved it, you'd get so worked up you get on top and fuck her then you'd just die then, while you were inside her. Jesus. That would be fucked for her.

'What a way to go out though?'

'Oh yeah defo'

Bill flicked his fag. 'You two still virgins then?' Laughing

'Nar' Nick said 'Not since 24th of March 2020, in lockdown, told my parents i was going for a walk, met up, popped the cherry in the woods, caughted covid but worth it '

'You remember the fucking date?'

'Yeah mate, do you?'

'No mate, it was sometime in the mid late 80's, in my grandads shed on his allotment. What about you Adam, was it with a girl called Eve haha'

Adam scratched his arm. 'No, just in a bed with my girlfriend' 

'Thats bit boring' Bill said taking a sip 'You still together?'

Adam still hated talking about the fact his girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him then a week later got with some else and now live together, but that was 4 months ago so he should probably get over it. 

'No fucking broke up, she was a nightmare anyway' 

'That's women for you pal, I can tell you that for nothing, more trouble than they're worth. But you get sick of wanking dont ya? So how many you with since her?

'I've not really been looking for owt, can't really be bothered with it all'

'I've been telling him Bill, he just needs to get out there and just fuck fuck fuck, just get it out his system' Nick said 

Bill nodded. 'Yeah mate you need to get out there. 'Anything that moved' was my motto was i was your age, and im not joking, I took back some proper mingers home when i was younger. It's all part of the fun tho innit

Adam was getting sick of Bill and his need to make more or less every single conversation sexaul. 'I don't really wanna get with mingers tho'

'They don't have to be mingers, they looked alright in the clubs with the lights down and if your steaming, just don't look at them in the morning with a hangover and without their makeup on',

Nick could sense Adam wanted to go so they wrapped up the conversation and got the £100 from Bill 

'Well cheers for this lads, like i said anything else just give me a bell or pop over' 

Adam and Nick said no worries, cheers and left.